Monday, February 22, 2016

In which I prefer her...

Probably ten times in the last month I have sat down at my computer and thought about diving into discussing the world of attachment.  Yet every time I start to write I get so overwhelmed with how huge that concept is and how many bunny trails there are not to mention how literally every families make up and path is so different than the next.  I want to be honest but I don't want to scare or offend (usually).  I want to help but I don't want some to think if my suggestions don't work then there's something "wrong" with them.  So I'm going to try to figure out the delicate and perhaps impossible formula needed to accomplish helping....wait are you ready for it....ME.  If what I share helps someone other than myself and my family well then, that's a bonus.  PRESSURE GONE!
Moving forward to what's on my heart today.

The truth is, I prefer her.  I prefer my first girl over any of my other four right now.   She brings me comfort, just looking at her even from a room away.  Her smile, her laugh, just her being her makes me FEEL so much love towards her.  SHE is familiar.  The truth about attachment is that it's basically torture for someone like me who is wildly impatient and prefers instant gratification.  We brought our first girl home to us when she was four months old and even though it was an adjustment of life in general I was dealing in new mom world with a little human that didn't talk yet and hadn't the slightest clue she would never live with her birth mom again.  Her not knowing offered me a three to four year buffer of preparation for harder conversations.  We built a foundation of trust together so when the sadness of these upcoming conversations took place I could hold her and feel it alongside her.  It seems weird to say it but this was the "ideal" situation even though a child losing their parent(s) is never the "ideal" situation.

Here's one of the icky parts of attachment...coming to terms with the fact that you prefer one child over another and trying not to feel guilt with that feeling.  Sure there are moments when the others can make me laugh, or make me proud, or lean into to me for a hug and a kiss or a word of encouragement but I don't feel the same feels towards them right now.  I'm getting there with some and I'm still very much working on it with others.  This is hard.  This causes me to cry many tears.  This causes me to be on high alert with intentionality, and you want to know how often I fail at that?  Every day, multiple times a day.  Ya'll I'm doing this new relationship building thing x4 while trying to maintain what I have spent five years building with another.  More times than I care to admit I try to do life on my own without calling on my Savior to lead the way.  All of my efforts and best attempts to create relationships, parent these children well, help with homework, run them here and there are never going to take root until I realize that I am not even in control of one single ounce of the outcome.  The other day my Father lead me to this in a devotional I was reading..."Good morning, Lord.  I lift up my voice in desperate need of your mercy right now--this day!  My only option is You.  My life is a wilderness without you."  The sooner I make this prayer my habit daily the sooner the pressure of motherhood won't have as big of an impact on me.  The sooner I make this prayer my habit daily and employ the insane truth behind these words the better my efforts will be towards building relationships with my new four.  Will I fail?  Of course.  But my Savior and my God proves to me time and time again in His Word that He prefers flawed people over people pretending to be perfect any day of the week.  This is a concept I can get behind.

To my new four...some day we'll all fit together in this house and we'll all learn trust and healing just the way God planned it for us.

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