Friday, January 15, 2016

In which we find what works, for the moment....

My personality is such that the idea of ambiguity is utter nonsense to me.  Why wonder when you can just ask the question and get the answer?  At times this does not bode well for mine and Tyler's relationship because homeboy likes to wallow in the land of ambiguity like its his day job.  SO I'm not saying my way is the right way,  I'm just way SEEMS to be the right way.  ;)  When we brought the Fantastic Four home to us I realized very quickly that there was power in an answer but even more power in permission to feel a certain way.  Call out those feelings of sadness and loss, put it out there so others can feel it with you, for our oldest boy this helped him so much.  He remembers life with his birth mom, he remembers life with all of his foster placements, and now he remembers life with us.  In this world of adopting out of foster care there is not a single thing you can say or do that will speed up what only TIME can provide.  Time together, getting to know each other, living life together can only happen 24 hours at a time and when you've missed out on the first three to eight years of someone's life this can be a hard pill to swallow at times.  I remember very clearly a time with our oldest, he had just finished having a fairly huge meltdown.  To the average person this meltdown would have come out of nowhere, not a single playback in your mind could point towards one particular clarifying moment that caused such a reaction.  These meltdowns usually ended with him sobbing while sitting on mine or Tyler's lap and then...the REAL reason would be revealed.  And this time there was hesitation on his part, "I really miss my mom."  I realized then and there that this little broken soul needed permission to miss the very woman who carried him in her belly for nine months at the age of 15.  He needed permission to to verbalize the loss of a connection with a woman who quite frankly did not want to fight for him and his siblings (this is not information he is aware of yet).  He needed permission to say those words and not have me tell him "that's ridiculous", "I'm your mom now", "your'e never going to see her again anyway", "just get over it". I gave him that permission and the look on his face was something I will never ever forget.  He was relieved.  Guys, I'm telling you right now when I choose WHAT I want to share on this platform it is a very teeny glimpse into the amount of hurt and disappointment that my first boy has endured in his nine short years.  When I share with you mine and Tyler's responses it is a very teeny glimpse into the two of us actually doing and saying the right thing at the right time compared to the other hundred times we do it and say it wrong.  It is not by our might and our power that we prevail against what the devil had hoped for in our new children's lives.  It is the power of the Holy Spirit in us that breaks down those walls of our very own sin and allows us to communicate in ways that are beyond our immediate control.  There is so much power in how HE loves us by showing up in something like clarity of thought.  When we sit there and watch a little boy exhibit behavior that frightens his siblings and hurts our feelings there is nothing inside of me that would immediately want to choose to draw him in, but the beauty of the God we serve and the God we love is that He will ALWAYS choose to draw us in.  He will ALWAYS choose to step into that mess arms wide open, ready to take the hit.
Last night Tyler and I gave our son permission to believe in himself.  To believe that he is capable of great things.  To believe that those horrible words his previous foster mom told him about himself are absolutely not true.  We challenged him to understand what sorry actually means and why it's important to the people he loves to admit when he's wrong and to follow that admission up with a sincere apology.  We continued an ongoing conversation about respecting authority and how seeing the value in that is better than living a life where he thinks he shouldn't have to answer to anybody.  Our prayer for him from the very beginning is that his healing would be swift, not for our benefit but for his and that yes God is in complete control but there's still a responsibility he holds to make the right choice.  
Last night, through all of our tears at our kitchen table we gave him permission to believe that he can be different and that different is wonderful and that this world is better because he is in it.  We gave him permission to mess up and make mistakes but that sorry and trying to do differently the next time  is where it really counts.  Last night, we made progress in our loss of time.  I'm not naive enough to think I won't get another phone call from the teacher or that he won't be disrespectful but I have to believe that because God chose him as His very own that there will be progress.  There will be real change and that it has nothing to do with me, what a relief.  Oh how He loves us.

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