Friday, April 17, 2015

In which I'm reminded how good of a Father He is...

Tonight, while Emery, Jamea and I sat at the dinner table, because the three of us are the slowest eaters on planet earth, I took a moment and looked at my first born.  Like dwell on her sweet face for about 30 seconds.  It was then I realized that I hadn't done this all day.  And it was then that I realized I needed to have a "moment"...and fast.  The tears were welling up and my window of time to get to my room without anyone seeing me upset was closing in at a rapid rate.  And once I got into my room, I lost it.  Tears flowing and heart breaking for what our new normal is now and what that means for my girl was very very palpable.  I mean, the truth is you really can't prepare yourself for moments like this.  What was I supposed to do?  Ignore Emery for an entire day and play prerecorded sounds of children laughing, screaming at each other, screaming at the dogs, and reminding them to have manners?  Nonsense.  So there I sat within arms reach of the girl who made a mama and THAT is when it hit me.  I am so proud of her and how gracious she's being and her genuine excitement for her new brothers and sisters is just perfect!
Anywho.  Back to my story.  So I'm losing my mind in the other room (as quiet as possible), not doubting anything about my choice but allowing myself to be faced with the reality that those days of long uninterrupted conversations with Em are long gone, when I hear it.  As clear as a bell.  "Where's mom?" Jashawn said.  Our room is right off of the living room where they were playing but it is by God's divine providence and maybe an invisibility cloak that I crept into our room completely undetected so I could still hear them playing.  Firs you should know that we have explained to the kids they can call us Tyler and Kari or Mom and Dad, whichever they feel most comfortable with and Jashawn has always positioned himself perfectly, both here and when we visited, so he didn't have to choose a salutation.  My boy asked for me.  And he asked for me when he didn't even know I could hear!  This was when I was reminded that He is good father, in the midst of the storm He sprinkled in that little promise to me.  I got you Kari.  I promised you before and that promise remains.  Hemmed in.

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