Tuesday, November 18, 2014

In which I get how big all of this is, no really I do...

You have to have some pretty thick skin to pull this whole adoption thing off.  Here's why, because no one asks you the same types of questions when there's a big ole baby bump showing that they do when they hear, or see or know that you're adopting.  No one asks the pregnant woman what she plans on doing if her little baby in utero has wicked tantrums and mental illness when he/she is older.  No one asks her if she's scared of the damage she'll have to tend to if for whatever reason someone harms her baby with words or actions.  No one asks why she chose to be pregnant instead of adopt, I mean there are so many children who need good homes why on earth would you choose to build your family this way when it's possible for you to have your own bio kids?  No one asks how much your hospital bill was or gives you a pat on the back and says "you're doing a really great thing having sex and growing that baby in your belly...they'll thank you when their older."
It's fair to bring this up not because I want people to feel badly for those of us who CHOOSE this as their family building path but rather raise awareness for the support that people in situations of adoption need when they may very well be doubting this choice themselves.
Since we've been open about our current plan to bring four sibling into our home and adopt them we have been met with a few different types of people but the one that really really intrigues are the ones who question if we're prepared for the difficulty.  To you I say, no.  I'm not prepared for imaginary difficulty right now.  I'm not prepared for imaginary chaos.  Who can honestly say they're prepared for every last scenario when it comes to parenting a child let alone FIVE, four of whom have been deeply wounded and have suffered great loss?  No one.  Not a single person can answer that differently than I just did.  You want to know the truth?  I get it.  I really really get it.  I understand what this may mean for us.  I understand that it may mean years of never going anywhere because there are too many triggers when it comes time to leave the house, I do know that they may not call me mom for a long time or even say I love you, I know they might not hug me back, I am aware that Emery will suffer a bit in the beginning as we transition into this new life.  All of these things I know, we know and it just doesn't change a single thing because SOMEBODY has to care for them right?  In some capacity that's what we're called to do.  Somebody has to be ok with not being loved back as a result of them not being loved properly in the first place.  Somebody has to be ok with getting multiple phone calls from school because the only kind of attention they ever got as toddlers was negative attention.  We're ready and willing for these next several years, we've thought about it, prayed about it and the only thing we wish would be different would be that their first mother would have experienced what she should have as a little girl and learned how to be a mother to her own children.
We get it.  It's going to change us, it's going to change relationships.  Again, we know this has always been where God wants us.

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Sunday, November 16, 2014

In which my oldest brings me to my knees...

Ya'll, this process is hard.  No matter how you slice it in adoption land every avenue of bringing a child into your home is met with its fair share of challenges, road blocks, victories and disappointments.  There are moments where you feel as though it may never end...that they'll never actually BE here, in your home, in their beds safe and sound.  This has been my struggle these last couple of weeks.
My oldest son, whom I have yet to meet, is struggling badly in his current (and 5th) foster placement.  During our last conference call with "the team" it was brought to our attention that he is ONE of SIX other foster children in the home and also his foster mom speaks of his bad behaviors directly in front him while his head hangs low in confused disappointment in himself.  I'm sure he wonders why he does these things, why he can't have normal feelings like other seven year olds but instead is faced with grown up emotions like distrust, hurt, fear, anxiety and sadness.  Why is it that no one has committed to love him and care for him through this horrible time in his life?  Why don't adults say what they mean and mean what they say?  In his short seven years this boy of mine has experienced more loss and heartache then most adults can handle in a lifetime and quite simply....I can't wait to get my mitts on him.  I'm sure there will be some rejection, I'm quite certain that his "behaviors" will increase and that I'll be tearful almost every day over tending to this broken little heart but for us, for HIM it's worth it.  I had this fleeting thought the other day that brought me to my knees in prayer for him...when was the last time someone hugged him?  Like a good solid lingering hug where fears are melted and protection is felt.  I prayed immediately for his protection and for God to begin mending his terribly broken heart and more importantly that the love of His Savior will be a concept He will run full speed into.

To my dear oldest boy,
I love you already.  No matter what.  We're in this for the long haul.  Hurry home, we're waiting for you.