Saturday, May 18, 2013

Mental images...

When they pulled up to the front of our house on a chilly Sunday afternoon I was spying on her through the front window blinds. I wanted that one last second to look her over for any obvious changes since our last visit seven months ago. Nope. Still the same leggy, confident and pretty teenager who happens to be an orphan and the mother of my child. This time ya'll? She ran. She swung open that van door and literally dashed across the street up to our front porch. Completely uninhibited by any "will she remember me's?", "will she like me's?", "will Kari and Tyler be weird with me?". This is one of the reasons why I love this girl so much. She's just such a freaking game changer and she doesn't even know it yet! The extrovert, the boldness, the necessity is so much my personality it's literally the coolest thing ever. This one image of her running across the street to our house brought tears to my eyes and I basically had to punch myself in the face to stop. I looked at Tyler eyes welled up and said, "Tyler...she's running to the door." These moments bring on so many thoughts for me. First, thankfulness then working our way towards happy, then almost always pride in how cool of a kid she really is and almost always guilt. It's weird though the guilt thing, because it's more like guilt that I don't do enough to maintain those large gaps by holding up my end of the "bargain". The emails and random photos sent through an emails, I mean heck I usually feel guilt in regards to the !,000 miles I just put between us when originally it was only supposed to be about 120. I almost always wonder how she really feels about us. I wonder what she says to the other girls she lives with. It could be that maybe she doesn't think about us that often I suppose. Maybe I'm giving myself too much credit. I can't wait until these kinds of stories have meaning to our girl although if I'm being honest the simple act of typing those words out gave me a nervous feeling in my stomach. Those future talks, the ones I know won't always be pretty. The ones that will leave my girl feeling a little less ok with being adopted at times, pining for someone who looks like her and has traits that are because of genetics and not because of environment. For now I'll remember the run to the door, still such an innocence even after all of her heartbreak. She's my hero.

Sunday, May 12, 2013

To my big girl on Mother's Day...

It's Mother's Day today, our third one together actually. Do you know how amazing you are? Do you know how beautiful and smart and caring and intuitive you are? Do you know how lucky people are to know YOU? I know I'm lucky to know you. I know that out of all the kids on this whole earth God chose you for ME. He knew I'd need you. He knew that you'd need me. You see this works both ways pretty girl. I needed you to fill the void of mama which you have done above and beyond, I needed you to fill the need I had to parent a child whose own parents couldn't. I needed you to show me that I can make mistakes and flub this "mothering" stuff up and you flat out don't care. Eventually the reality of being adopted will make its way into our every day conversations. You'll ask questions. You'll feel the loss. You'll be confused and maybe even hurt. You'll need me then sweetheart. You'll need me to tell the stories of how we came to know you that Friday night in October. You'll need me to tell you that I constantly checked your breathing on the way home because you were so quiet in the backseat that we forgot you were there. You'll need me to show you the pictures of you in your first mama's belly and tell her super hero story. I'll eventually need you to tell me that you love me just the same. I'll need you to tell me that you get it, that even though it hurts you totally get it. These are my prayers for us on Mother's Day. Our need for each other will come and go in just the right moments because you and I? We're clutch like that. Sweet Emery, it's my greatest privilege and honor to have you call me "mama" every day. I can not imagine my life without you in it. You are the smartest, funniest, sassiest, most beautiful, stubborn and caring little girl I've ever had the fortune of knowing. May you always know that the most important thing is how you show your Savior's love to others.

Saturday, May 4, 2013

Defining...definition...defined...

2012 was a defining year for us. Normally I'd be able to pinpoint a certain defining moment, that actual incident that was the definition of what was most certainly the hardest year of our lives but alas we were worked over pretty much nonstop. My silence on this blog recently hasn't been because I have nothing to say anymore in fact it's quite the contrary. I have a lot to say about what I've learned about marriage, rolling with the punches, parenthood, what makes me happy, what makes me sad, and who I really want to be as a wife, mother, sister, believer, and friend. Several times I'd sit down poised and ready to just let go of some things because writing/journaling is unbelievably cathartic for me but I couldn't follow through. It was too much. Too many topics. Too much complaining or too much offending (which generally the offending thing doesn't usually stop me). Instead, I'm going to focus on the fact that 2013 is a freaking "do over" year where things start fresh, we'll stop taking score, we'll mend, we'll break free, we'll actually affect change and maintain. ....So, I started this post on January 1st of this year. I didn't finish because I think I was interrupted or even sometimes I leave it alone for a bit until the juices that are flowing start to form a little more cohesion. Consider this. Cohesion formed. Juices now have direction. We've seen God bless us in amazing ways over the last few months and oddly enough very few of those blessings have to do with "stuff" or things we thought we needed but more to do with what we didn't realize was missing in the first place. He's cool like that. Sprinkling little bread crumbs in front of us leading down the path he had planned for us all along. Or at least for now. I'm very thankful and grateful for a Father who knows and meets my needs before I realize the need exists.