Saturday, May 18, 2013

Mental images...

When they pulled up to the front of our house on a chilly Sunday afternoon I was spying on her through the front window blinds. I wanted that one last second to look her over for any obvious changes since our last visit seven months ago. Nope. Still the same leggy, confident and pretty teenager who happens to be an orphan and the mother of my child. This time ya'll? She ran. She swung open that van door and literally dashed across the street up to our front porch. Completely uninhibited by any "will she remember me's?", "will she like me's?", "will Kari and Tyler be weird with me?". This is one of the reasons why I love this girl so much. She's just such a freaking game changer and she doesn't even know it yet! The extrovert, the boldness, the necessity is so much my personality it's literally the coolest thing ever. This one image of her running across the street to our house brought tears to my eyes and I basically had to punch myself in the face to stop. I looked at Tyler eyes welled up and said, "Tyler...she's running to the door." These moments bring on so many thoughts for me. First, thankfulness then working our way towards happy, then almost always pride in how cool of a kid she really is and almost always guilt. It's weird though the guilt thing, because it's more like guilt that I don't do enough to maintain those large gaps by holding up my end of the "bargain". The emails and random photos sent through an emails, I mean heck I usually feel guilt in regards to the !,000 miles I just put between us when originally it was only supposed to be about 120. I almost always wonder how she really feels about us. I wonder what she says to the other girls she lives with. It could be that maybe she doesn't think about us that often I suppose. Maybe I'm giving myself too much credit. I can't wait until these kinds of stories have meaning to our girl although if I'm being honest the simple act of typing those words out gave me a nervous feeling in my stomach. Those future talks, the ones I know won't always be pretty. The ones that will leave my girl feeling a little less ok with being adopted at times, pining for someone who looks like her and has traits that are because of genetics and not because of environment. For now I'll remember the run to the door, still such an innocence even after all of her heartbreak. She's my hero.

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