Tuesday, November 6, 2012

Two years of questions and some magic...

Ten days ago I was a part of something magical. Scratch that. Two years ago I was a part of something magical. First, becoming a mama and then just recently watching the beauty that is our open adoption. I'm careful to say that open adoption isn't for everyone. There are MANY variables that make each situation unique but for us...open adoption is amazing. From the beginning FM has had the privilege of being a part of our girls life. Whether it's through pictures and emails or an hour or two every few months. For us. It works. I will tell you though that there has always been this little part of me that hoped for something more from our visits. For FM more than for me. We've met at a library, a couple of parks, and a conference room. Every single time I wished for normalcy. I wished for her to be in our home in a casual environment and my dear friends it finally happened! Through a process of extremely weird circumstances our dear sweet FM sat here in our living room and played with Em for two hours. It was magical. I was in awe with how natural it was and there was an underlying, unsaid sort of knowledge that this is the way we've always wanted it to be. We shared in the happiness that in the future our visits will become more of what she needs and more of what I want. All of this aside, I was privy to some information that I've been wanting to know for two years but didn't want to monopolize our visits for my own selfishness. I have always wanted to make sure that certain aspects of Emery's story remain private and very much only hers to tell so there are some things that you just won't know. What I learned was something that in the future will benefit Emery so much. The truth is, I always knew that FM tried to keep Emery at first. I was just very unsure of the timeline and the struggle she faced to make the final decision. I'm so thankful for the way God has woven together our special story and I was even more thankful to discover that when times are tough and my girl is struggling with her identity I will be able to tell her how her first mama fought for her. Her first mama worked through 3 months of dealing with a newborn who had acid reflux and had no one to turn to. No mother to call. No mama friends to ask for advice from. She had no one...except Emery. In the end it was just too much, as it should be for an orphaned 13 year old in a state run home for teen mothers. But you guys, she freaking fought for that girl. She worked through exhaustion, through unrest, through unfamiliarity, thru loss and in the end made the wisest most unselfish choice she could have ever made. Gosh I love this girl. I love this girl who looked at my photo and my written words on a page and decided that I could parent her child. I love this girl who expressed her dream to become a famous singer and stated her fear for Emery having a boyfriend later in life all in the same breath. I love that she believes in me. I love that we both love this little firecracker that has her genes but hugs my neck every night. I love this girl who by making a sound, wise and incredibly tough choice just made it easier for me to explain to my baby girl that her birth mom was a super hero. A freaking rock star. There were other things that were learned that day. One thing though, we're very different in age and ethnicity we're both very much the same in the way we love. Hard and fast.