Monday, September 24, 2012

Attachment...

These last five-ish days have been super reflective for me. After FIVE months (to the day) of applying for jobs and interviewing I was hired on at a doctors office! I'm super pumped to get back into our "normal" and for us to be in a better place financially. Honestly this time around it was much different. We had to factor in so many things before I could commit to a position (pay vs. childcare vs. time away from Em) and spent months and months praying for the right one to come along. I'm so excited to use my brain in this specific way again but I'm going to tell you something. I will miss my girl. So much. I've had most of my days with her for the last year and a half and I loved it. We have our own rhythm, our own language, our own understanding. We can make each other laugh and at the same time make each other cry, I just love it. This new job means that she'll be in the hands of someone else for approximately 36 hours a week, and it has me counting the amount of hours I get to spend with her in comparison. Which started my adoptive mama fears rolling in hard core. Fear #1, attachment. This was my fear in the very beginning. Bringing home a four month old that had already been cared for by multiple people had me terrified out of my mind that she wouldn't know that Tyler and I were IT. We were there forever. The first few days and months brought about a lot of little freak outs and definitely reading into things but we adjusted and her attachement to us was undeniable. I often doubted if I had taken enough time off of work (I actually believe I should have taken longer), but was certain we would get thru this time. There have been little circumstances here and there that cause me some insecurity and each time my girl comes back around and only has eyes for me. Now I'm back to square one. Will she misunderstand why I'm not around all day? Will she miss me? Will she be happy to see me when I arrive? We've done all the major developmental milestones together so really this should be ok right? So much of what I blog about is trying my best to not separate adoptive mamas from bio mamas, trying to bring these woman together in solidarity but sometimes it just can't be done. Sometimes these parts of adoption suck and I know it won't be the last time some parts of adoption will suck. Sometimes these fears get the best of me and sometimes I give in to them spiraling downward until I'm a mess of tears. There are still some days where I have to convince myself that she will always love me the way I always love my mom, there will be days where DNA won't be a factor and the fact that I didn't carry her in my belly and know her the minute she was born won't unpack their bags in my mind. But for now, they still occasionally do and that makes things pretty hard.

Monday, September 3, 2012

On the eve that my sister becomes a mama...

*If I can get through this entire post without any typos it'll be a miracle. My eyes are swollen, snot is dripping down my face...in other words I'm dead sexy right now* I just finished a skype conversation with my big sis who was literally heading out the door to the hospital. It's time. My big sister and very best friend is headed to the hospital right now to begin her "cervical ripening" (read, eww) for her induction in the morning. I love this girl more than quite possibility anyone in the world (sorry Tyler, j/k). Her journey to become a mama is not short of complications and heartbreak. In these last three years she has watched friends, relatives and me become what she had assumed she'd become the first time she was pregnant. What you should know is that she endured three miscarriages (one of which was twins), one D&C, and three colossal blow offs from "professional doctors" in regards to her lack of progress during pregnancy. One said, "you're just unlucky" another mentioned that she'd have to endure yet another miscarriage before they could "diagnos the issue". Thus some of the reasons for my lack of trust in most doctors. My sister? She fought for this baby. She did research, she withheld certain foods (hello gluten free!), she straight up located a doctor ON HER OWN who helped diagnose her issue as a diet change and a bit of a wonky thyroid. SHE found HIM. Once she did become pregnant she discovered she had a blood clotting disorder that required twice daily shots, but did she give up? No way Jose. Of course she had her meltdowns but I'll tell you right now, this woman? This woman is strength. This woman is grace. This woman is a shining example of how to make it through difficulties without losing yourself and boo hooing the entire time. The only time I really ever knew she was struggling was if I asked her point blank..."dude, are you struggling with this at all?". I love her and oh my stars am I going to love her as a mom. And oh my gosh is this child going to experience love and gratefulness like no one else has on this planet. Life has a funny way of stepping in and showing you really who's boss and this time...life didn't allow me the privilege of being there for the birth. Which if you know Kel and I, that's a big freaking deal. We're there. We always show up for each other and just the other day when I was on the boo hoo train I said to her, "Not that you'll actually 'need' me but our relationship is such that there are times when I know I can get through it without you but I'd rather not." That pretty much sums it up. It's not a total sob story because Em and I will be there by Sunday but one thing you should know about me is that I'm totally clutch in situations like this. Pressure? I'm your girl. I'm in there like swimwear finding solutions and working through the miscommunications. I'm like a silent ninja working behind the scenes to obliterate problems before they become problems to those who don't need them. Need food? No problem. I'll drop my People magazine like a bad habit and run to the store to get you your favorite snack food, candy bar and drink and the real ninja-esque part of that is I won't even have to ask what those favorite foods are. This is how I show love to people in my life and I have one really super important person who is bringing my very next favorite important person into the world and I'm literally 1109 miles away. Here is what keeps me from diving head first into a gallon of ice cream while watching Steel Magnolias...the reunion. Next Sunday when she picks me up from the airport and I get to feast my eyes on that little, squishy, delicious smelling miracle. Oh I'm certain there will be tears, because ninja mode will be turned off and doting aunt mode will be turned on. Oh sweet litte baby, you will always know how much your mama and daddy love you. How thankful they are for you. You will also know how much you mean to me as well, and how much I love you. And to my sister and best friend, your poise and perseverance during this time is unprecedented. Your ability to smile through the pain of loss and push through to this final result is nothing short of award winning. Your care, your spirit, your humor, your grace during these last three years is something that I will always admire in you. You are consistently my ninja. My very favorite friend. I love you.

Sunday, September 2, 2012

Handpicked perfectly...

I know sometimes I gush and gush AND gush over my little girl...I make no apologies. She is hands down the best thing that has ever happened to us. Her smile has the ability to melt me into a million pieces. And her laugh? Forget about it. I'm done once she lets that sucker loose. I love that I can see her thinking and learning and you know what? She is really such a good kid. Do you know how proud that makes me? Do you have any idea what it feels like to see your child make good choices? To see her little wheels turning and things making sense? She says "I love you" to me first now, instead of repeating it back to me. When we were at the store the other day she learned forward in the cart and hugged me while saying..."sweet mama". She skips over to see me when I come home after being away. But you know what really makes my heart melt these days? Watching her be a mama to her babies. She is so gentle and patient with them, she whispers to soothe them and tells them "it's ok sweet baby, it's ok". She tells them to go to sleep and holds them close. It's weird that I find myself being proud of her mothering techniques to fake babies but it's true I am SO proud of her. Her love of music and dancing is probably one of my favorite things and even though she does not share a single gene of ours she is undoubtedly just that...OURS. I know these days of simplicity will soon be complicated by plenty of angst, disappointment, confusion, and heartbreak but what I hope to build with her over these years is something that I'm sure she'll return to in those hard times. She is the one who made me a mama. She is the one who God chose for me. There is no greater love.