Monday, March 19, 2012

The year of "No's"...

One year ago the church plant that we helped start shut down. There are some days where it feels like FOREVER, but most times it has flown by for me. Tyler on the other hand probably doesn't share that same view...you see my husband lived and breathed for planting a church. He studied, he gave his time above and beyond what was expected, he believed in what he helped to start and he believed he would be in ministry long term. I believed it for us as well. I've never seen him so passionate about his PURPOSE before and it did my heart good every single day to see him using his talents and be fulfilled in his job. For the last year we have said goodbye to family and friends, relocated to another state and are living with Tyler's parents, suffered through months of job searching, and endured "no" after "no" after "no" after "no" when it came to worship leader positions for Tyler. I'll touch briefly on this because it absolutely needs to be said. Just because you're applying for a job at a church doesn't mean they're always going to respond professionally or even respond at all. This has been such a weird phenomenon to me and in my opinion when you're representing Christ's name as a business you should act professionally and above and beyond any other business out there. If this is making you uncomfortable, I do not apologize. *Stepping off of my very much downplayed (because Tyler would kill me if I said more) soap box*.
Do you want to know the hardest part about this? The silence. The weird "almost" opportunities that creep up and are gone before we could even give them a second thought. I'm not complaining, honestly. I'm, ahem WE are just confused and searching. There are moments of clarity that are like striking gold. We have both been able to identify necessary changes in ourselves and also new desires that we had no idea even existed. We both want to make a difference. We both want to give back and we sometimes know what that looks like and other times we don't. We both feel like it's time to take a risk. A real, unadulterated risk that leaves us terrified out of our minds and more than likely other people scratching their heads. One of the things we struggle with is being wise and responsible while taking a risk. It's a delicate balance and I don't know that anyone has ever perfected it. There is movement on one particular opportunity that we're pretty pumped about...alas, it's back to the waiting.
Here is what I know. The three of us are in it to win it. We're tough and we're not giving up. We pray constantly for God's direction in our lives and for a new path and would plead with you to do the same for us.

Thursday, March 15, 2012

Today...she is bigger.

Man. I knew people were telling the truth when they said "enjoy her when she's little because time flies!". I really did actually believe them and in my belief I was hoping for a reprieve of some kind. Some stoppage time, anything at this point to make time slow just a little bit so I can remember and appreciate all of these moments that will soon be overshadowed by new moments. Remember her chubby face and arms that have now been replaced with long and lean. Every night before I go to bed I always cover her up and every night before I go to bed I think to myself....I remember when she looked so tiny in this thing. She takes up about 3/4 of it now. She used to sleep on her belly with her bum in the air...for some weird reason I'm so emotional about this lately. Tears are flowing as I write this too late at night because it simply had to be written. Seize the moment I suppose or perhaps it's because of the year we just endured or maybe I'm just chemically imbalanced and therefore weepy. If I'm being totally honest with myself and subsequently you, I miss my baby. I miss my little squishy gummy smiling baby girl. Her personality is so strong maybe that's why I'm feeling the growing pains so much harder than I ever imagined I would. Nevertheless I'm feelin' it. I'm feeling the pain of time marching on whether I want it to or not. Motherhood is weird like that. You want to see growth and change and independence but at the same time you long for the simplicity and innocence of just "being". I need to appreciate her more. Her humor, her laugh and smile, how freaking adorable she is, how much she loves her daddy and how much she loves me. Some people probably think I'm weird when I say that I forget she hasn't always been ours, but on the other hand literally not a day goes by where I don't remember she wasn't born FROM me. She's so much of Tyler and myself which is so very cool and so extremely bizarre. Made for us not from us.

Tuesday, March 6, 2012

Blanky and "Ass"...

You read it correctly. My little lovey has seriously exploded in the last couple weeks when it comes to her vocabulary. I must say I'm very proud of her and if I'm being totally honest proud of me and Tyler too! All of the book reading, not talking to her like a baby, using real words and just ongoing dialogue is really paying off! I'll start with the "ass" explanation. From the beginning of her life with us she has taken a pacifier and fallen in love with her blanket. You should know that I always wanted a child that had some sort of attachment to either a blanket or a stuffed animal because I'm weird like that. No other reason. Anywho, we call her blanket "blanky" and her pacifier, "pass". The name just sort of created itself really. We had tossed around calling it "passy", "buddy", "binky", "yum-yum" and other completely ridiculous words that neither of us could stomach. So oddly enough we unknowingly settled on "Pass". Short for "pacifier". Well my little genius can't make the "P" sound yet. Nope, not at all. So it's just "ass". Which is completely inappropriate and consequently HILARIOUS! She is obviously not using it in a derogatory way and we always correct her and say "Puh puh PASS". She'll get it eventually but for now we have a 21 month old that knows profanity. And now the rest of this paragraph is more for me than anything, I'd like to remember the other little things she's doing and you are the lucky (or unlucky however you choose to view it) recipients of this stream of consciousness. She knows certain parts of her favorite books and will finish the sentences if I remember to stop and let her. Currently "Where the Wild Things Are" and every single "How Do Dinosaurs" series are her absolute favorite. She asks for hugs and keeping in time with not being able to make a "P" sound she also can't make an "H" sound as in (huh) so it comes out more like "UG! UG!" with her arms stretched out ready for some love. This has to be one of my new favorite things for my otherwise non-cuddly toddler. She makes the sounds of pigs, dogs, cats, snakes, cows, monkey, lion, duck, sheep/goats, and the faces for bunny and fish. She can count to five, as long as I start off with saying one. He he. She tells me "bless you" when I sneeze or when anyone sneezes for that matter, "excuse me" when she burps, and is a master at please, thank you and more. A couple of weeks ago I asked her to do something and I could have swore on my favorite mascara that she said "I don't want to". No way, I thought to myself. How on earth could she have learned that? Nope. Didn't say it. For sure. Until she said it again in front of my sister. Nah, another fluke. It had to be. Until she said it front of Tyler when we were skyping. So that's interesting. An entire sassy, independent phrase and I honestly have no earthly idea how she learned it. I mean I'm sassy and all but I'm just being honest here...she did NOT learn it from ME! She loves to pray before meals and at bed time (Lord knows we need that with her new potty mouth she has developed) She'll finish with a good old fashioned "AAAAAMEN!". Also lovey will literally repeat anything you tell her to, sometimes it sounds like the word and other times it's just a valiant effort. She's so much more interactive and silly and I honestly can say so far this is my absolutely favorite age. I can see her making sense of things, wanting to know how they work and the process of how they got there. It's like all of this repetitive teaching we've done over the last year has finally started to produce this little communicating human. I love it. She has major stranger danger tendencies and I'm telling you sometimes it's embarrassing. People come up and chat with me about how cute she is or how much they love her hair and they'll touch her arm or hand and she'll scream "NO!!!!!" like they straight up teach you to do in elementary school with strangers. "Oh, I'm sorry. She's just hungry right now so she's a little edgy". Lie. But I can't help it! The truth is, she wants you to step off and not touch her. Then there are others that she seriously loves and sometimes it just doesn't make sense but that's cool. Most of her behavior or tendencies don't make sense so at least she's consistently confusing. =) Overall she's wicked awesome and pretty much my favorite person in the entire world. We've been in a weird transition the last few weeks. My old salon/day spa job came a calling and needed some help with training two new desk people so I obliged. And with obliging came a 900 mile separation from Tyler for Emery and me. We bridge the gap as best we can, a few skype phone calls a week and visits home when the flights are cheap. It's only temporary and I should return back to the Hoosier state in approximately 6-8 weeks. So I'm a single mom. Which by the way is completely for the birds and makes me admire women who have no choice but to do it on their own. I have an insanely huge amount of help between my mom, and two sisters we make it work but at the end of the day, I am mama. The be all end all of discipline which sometimes I hate.
We're finishing up a nice extended weekend here in Warsaw, where she was able to fill her daddy tank up and to see their interactions are just pure heaven. They compliment each other well and boy oh boy do they love each other. We've stayed in our jammies until it was completely inappropriate, and really relished in the wonder of no schedule. Tyler was able to take time off of work which I know he needed desperately so we had an awesome time together. Tomorrow morning we fly back to Florida and back into the groove of things.
Our time apart provides amazing perspective. Amazing thankfulness to the Creator of my little family.