Monday, September 24, 2012

Attachment...

These last five-ish days have been super reflective for me. After FIVE months (to the day) of applying for jobs and interviewing I was hired on at a doctors office! I'm super pumped to get back into our "normal" and for us to be in a better place financially. Honestly this time around it was much different. We had to factor in so many things before I could commit to a position (pay vs. childcare vs. time away from Em) and spent months and months praying for the right one to come along. I'm so excited to use my brain in this specific way again but I'm going to tell you something. I will miss my girl. So much. I've had most of my days with her for the last year and a half and I loved it. We have our own rhythm, our own language, our own understanding. We can make each other laugh and at the same time make each other cry, I just love it. This new job means that she'll be in the hands of someone else for approximately 36 hours a week, and it has me counting the amount of hours I get to spend with her in comparison. Which started my adoptive mama fears rolling in hard core. Fear #1, attachment. This was my fear in the very beginning. Bringing home a four month old that had already been cared for by multiple people had me terrified out of my mind that she wouldn't know that Tyler and I were IT. We were there forever. The first few days and months brought about a lot of little freak outs and definitely reading into things but we adjusted and her attachement to us was undeniable. I often doubted if I had taken enough time off of work (I actually believe I should have taken longer), but was certain we would get thru this time. There have been little circumstances here and there that cause me some insecurity and each time my girl comes back around and only has eyes for me. Now I'm back to square one. Will she misunderstand why I'm not around all day? Will she miss me? Will she be happy to see me when I arrive? We've done all the major developmental milestones together so really this should be ok right? So much of what I blog about is trying my best to not separate adoptive mamas from bio mamas, trying to bring these woman together in solidarity but sometimes it just can't be done. Sometimes these parts of adoption suck and I know it won't be the last time some parts of adoption will suck. Sometimes these fears get the best of me and sometimes I give in to them spiraling downward until I'm a mess of tears. There are still some days where I have to convince myself that she will always love me the way I always love my mom, there will be days where DNA won't be a factor and the fact that I didn't carry her in my belly and know her the minute she was born won't unpack their bags in my mind. But for now, they still occasionally do and that makes things pretty hard.

1 comment:

  1. What an awesome tale. I cannot wait to hear how you all came to be togather in your house.

    I cherish every chapter you share with us in this exciting adventure!

    Love-Honey

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