Monday, April 30, 2012

Cliche but true....

Mama needs a break. A serious break. I have just spent the last two and a half months being the primary caretaker of my spirited (ahem) stubborn almost two year old and I'm going to be honest with you...that's freakin' tough! I had more than enough help between my sisters and my mom but it's just not the same as if I was sharing the normal parenting duties with Tyler. I can't expect those auntie's and grammies to discipline like I do or follow the exact same schedule I do either, and quite frankly after relying on them for all of my child care while at work I would feel too guilty to ask any of them to watch her while I went and saw a movie with friends or even spent time without her with each other. In fact the entire time I was down there (Florida) my sisters, mom and I never did anything just us. They would watch her if I needed to run a quick errand and trust me when I tell you....if I had just asked they would have done it without even batting an eye. But I couldn't. I felt too guilty. Why is that?! I'm not really one to embrace all of these silly cliche sayings (no matter how true they sound) like "pregnancy brain" and a myriad of other dorky sayings. But I'll tell you this. "Mommy guilt" is real. It really really is! I assist my photographer friend, Jaci ( at her workshops and there's one coming up over Memorial Day weekend. I'll be gone for about five days and I'm contemplating not taking Emery with me. We're staying at Jaci's parents super awesome farm and all I can think is..."Oh man, she'd love to see the chickens and cows and other random farm animals." Every time we've gone away and leave her with family I'm always sad to have left her behind. There's just something about being able to sleep uninhibited and just feed my soul with some serious alone time that makes me want to bite the bullet and do it. I'll keep you posted. He he.

Monday, April 9, 2012

Made for us, not from us...

I've recently changed the name of my fact I'm not even certain that anyone really even knew I had an actual name for my blog. When I named it "Pocket full of posies" it came to me after spending a few days trying to "think of a good name for my blog". This never bodes well for me because then I come up with things like..."Pocket full of posies". Anywho, whilst writing this post my new blog name arrived in a subtle, flow off the fingers onto the keyboard kind of way. I typed it. I liked it. I patted myself on the back for it and then immediately changed my title page. It's versatile, which I love purposeful yet simple and all encompassing no matter the size of our little kaleidoscope family.
Yesterday we celebrated one year since our little love's finalization! That day one year ago was perfect. The judge was nice, some of my family was there, Emery wasn't screaming her bloody brains out and my hair was behaving itself. We swore in, made promises to care for her, signed paperwork and celebrated her permanent place in our family. I can't believe that much time has passed and how much she has changed since then. She's amazing. I have a friend who is contemplating diving into a foster to adopt scenario and quite frankly she's a lot freaked out. Rightly so, it's a huge step and a major change for her family too but she is feeling the call in this situation and I admire her greatly for it. I was answering some of her questions the other night which led to talking about aspects of Emery's story that I sometimes forget about which then in turn had me say this phrase..."there is absolutely no reason at all why it should have worked out". And that's 100% true! MANY aspects of that Monday when we first heard about her thru Friday when I got the call from Tyler at work that she picked us just don't make any sense. In fact I remember emailing my foster parent teacher to ask for her to send my fingerprints to our social worker and I said these words..."The chances of this working out is minuscule", "I mean if I had to put a percentage on it I would say it's 98% not going to happen" and "Once again the chances of this actually working out would be a miracle." I am forever and always grateful that God overlooked my complete lack of faith in Him. Even though it probably made Him sad that I had such a low opinion of his power and provision in our lives but he still honored our desire to be a family. He blasted through all of the barriers that we had no idea even existed and made it possible for us to be parents to this amazing life. Unreal. He wanted her for us so badly. He made her for us, not from us.
I will never ever underestimate the power of the One who gave ME life, and also the One who gave my girl life.