Friday, January 6, 2012

Different...

As weird as it may sound, this last visit was sort of "normal". I always like to use that word lightly because an open adoption still doesn't feel "normal" to me. In fact, it's very abnormal. Bringing your kid, who in fact is biologically someone else's, to a meeting with the very person who gave them up is just not normal. I know eventually it'll be our normal though. We met a library which was an amazing idea because my little bookworm is eating up any sort of literature right now so to be surrounded by all of those books was, I think, a definite help. My mom came along this time and I loved it. I also really appreciated her willingness to engage in conversation with FM too and she also did great at not making it feel awkward. You know, one of the best things about my mom is she pulls her crap together and makes it happen. Even if she was nervous or slightly uncomfortable she sure as heck didn't let me in on it. She was friendly, and just fantastic. I love her, and because I was a little unnerved about doing this visit by myself I needed her. At the age of 29 she still offers me the only comfort a mama can give. I love that. Anywho, overall it was a success. Emery warmed up a little to the situation at hand but was not super engaging with FM. I was able to get her to say all of her new words and animal sounds which left FM grinning from ear to ear! While Emery never allowed FM to hold her without crying I still felt like FM got what she needed from this visit. At the end I expressed that in my opinion this would probably be one of the hardest visits because of where Emery's at developmentally and that I understand she is probably sad because she didn't get to hold her really at all but eventually that will change. So overall it wasn't a disaster it was just...different. Right now, this is easy. Right now I don't have to answer questions from Emery. I know I've written before about how much hurt will eventually surface with her as she gets older and I'm just praying that this relationship stays in tact and that together they can understand why this situation works better than what originally was happening. I'm not looking forward to the conversations that will hurt her and I just want to protect her. But alas that would be over protecting and I ain't rasin' no cry baby! Ahem...anywho it is what it is most days. There are hours that pass without me thinking that she's adopted but as of right now 15 months later there isn't 24 hours that pass where I don't think about it, at least once. Most of the times it's my amazement at how well this works. How caring for her seems so natural and not having her be mine is unimaginable. I've said this a lot and I truly mean it. We were made for each other...us three.

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