Monday, April 11, 2011

Birth Mom visit #2...

The last visit was pretty much a hot mess...I didn't know what to expect, I couldn't identify my role completely because I was new to the whole "mom" thing let alone the whole "visit with FM" thing. I made a promise to myself after that first visit that I would maintain as much normality as possible. I was too accommodating the first time (and yes, there is such a thing as TOO much accommodation). We're big on boundaries in our life when it comes to our family. Sometimes that's not well received but in my opinion it's all about presentation when it comes to setting up boundaries. We had a little hiccup the week prior to the visit (I'm not intending on being secretive but because this is a public blog there are certain things I won't share specifically) and it made me defensive. The whole mantra of "Kari, she's young" kept ringing in my ears so I focused on that. The day of our finalization we had agreed to meet FM a few hours after we were finished, it wasn't ideal for me but given the fact that we're three hours away from where she lives I bit the bullet and made it happen. We were flying high from the reality that our family was legal now, and had just spent the afternoon celebrating and shopping with my parents and sister. We had decided to meet at the CHS offices where we had picked Emery up that first night because they have a play room and it was more conducive for these types of visits. It couldn't have gone any better! FM was excited to see Emery, the little hiccup was never mentioned, and we sat there for the next hour filling her in almost like we would a babysitter. It would take me too many words to even try to get you to understand how surreal situations like this are because you see in my mind and in my world she has always been mine. It's really the strangest thing. I never thought when we adopted that I would ever forget she was adopted but I do. I watched as FM did her typical once over...she touches Emery's hair, skin, and just stares at her. She comments that her birth mark is fading (I've never even noticed a birth mark). I ask her to point it out and then I realize that birth marks on brown babies look a heck of a lot different than birth marks on white babies. =) FM stayed closer to me this visit, when Emery would fuss she'd come by me for a quick fuss fix and I'd hand her back. We chatted about school, her favorite subject, how she sang in church a few weeks ago and how it made her feel very proud of herself. We never ever discussed the elephant in the room...how is she dealing with this loss? These visits aren't about me. They're about her. Selfishly I want to take that entire hour and ask every question in the book, because Lord knows I'm an answers kind of girl. Instead, I held our girl while FM compared their hands noting their similarities and I became lost in how poignant this moment was. Her gift to me was Emery and my gift to her are these visits. Full circle baby...full circle.

Saturday, April 9, 2011

Perspective...

There are few things in life that can have a greater impact on me than what I just experienced 48 hours ago. My little love is mine forever...her smile, her laugh, her stubbornness is all wrapped up in that teeny little body and it's final. The official documents have been signed, the last check has been written and we are officially a family.
The way God orchestrated this entire thing is nothing short of amazing and there are things that I learned this weekend from Christina (Emery's adoption worker) that point more and more towards God's provision for us during this process and I can't thank Him enough. He handpicked her for us, just as if she was grown in my belly and woven together with mine and Tyler's genes and I can't imagine our lives without her...she is perfection. I was sharing with a friend that I didn't realize how much I was depending on this day finally getting here. I mean I would think about it a lot, and wonder about the process etc. but in the days leading up to the actual DAY I found myself more emotional and more dependent on the finality of it all.
My heart is so full. Full of thanks to all of the individuals who both near and far donated time, money, and prayer for our little future family. Not out of obligation but out of love for us and out of love for our family. They will all hold a very special place in our hearts and in Emery's story for her entire life and it's truly something I'll never ever forget.
Today we slept in, had breakfast in bed, took her swimming for the first time...we treasured our moments together, took photos, exchanged knowing glances of how lucky we truly are and tonight we laid her down to sleep truly thankful for how blessed our life has become in these last six months.

Wednesday, April 6, 2011

Big day coming up...

Well it's here, finally. This Friday at 11:30 is the adoption hearing where every last "i" will be dotted and "t" will be crossed, I seriously can't wait! My parents, and sister Michelle are driving about three hours to get there and then we're staying overnight too, which will be so nice. I can't wait for Saturday, we'll go to the pool and just hang out together as a legally bound family. I agreed to having a visit with FM on Friday afternoon...it's what worked best for both of her workers and well, I really don't have a choice unless I want to make the three hour trek on a different day.
So, I'm excited to have this day finally arrive after six long months of waiting! Little girl is almost one year old at this point and I never would have imagined it taking this long however when I look at events in the last six months the timing couldn't have been more perfect.
I wonder if I'll cry...if I'll be so relieved that it's finally done I'll just let loose with pure unadulterated emotion that the judge might deem me unstable and change her mind! HAHAA! Probably not, but that would be funny.