Saturday, December 17, 2011

Who am I kidding lets be honest...

I'm gearing up for a visit with FM on Monday...we're meeting at a library. Which hopefully will be perfect since Emery's way into books right now. Let's be completely honest, I think this visit might be a train wreck. Emery is very very attached to me right now and if she hasn't known you for the last nine months she honestly won't give you the time of day. Long stare, turning away and saying "no" is usually part of the equation. The last visit we had was in APRIL! Which isn't for lack of trying on my part at all, it just so happened the three weeks I was down in Florida FM was on an extended vacation with her foster family. In Indiana. In fact only about 40 minutes away. She even made a trek into Warsaw one day...believe it. So yeah, I'm afraid. I'm sort of feeling inconvenienced because it's a two hour drive, by myself with my currently very impatient 18 month old. Dread is more like it. So it's time for me to get the heck over myself and stop being selfish. This girl epitomizes unselfishness and I see it every day in the face of my little love. So I'm giving myself a verbal smack in the face and saying, "MOVE ON, GET OVER IT!".
Whenever I come up on these types of "norms" my wheels get to turnin' on some things which in turn makes me love my little blog space here so much. It is, for me, like a nice long run to clear my head. Sometimes my mind just piles up with things and I have to remind myself that I have this outlet. Ideas come to me at random times and right now folks I have about six different blog posts lined up! So anywho...thanks for reading. Thanks for listening. Thanks for being a part of this small but incredibly essential mind emptying abyss.
A few weeks ago I started to feel really convicted about the not making that great of an effort to have Emery "know" her birth mom. Then I realized that I just need to formulate a plan. A plan that Tyler and I agree on, that we're both comfortable with and we stick to it. Because our situation is very limited as far as direct communication goes we have to be realistic on what will be our normal. Right now, these visits are for FM plain and simple. Emery is not getting anything out of them for certain (eventually she will), I'm getting ulcers (j/k) worrying over whether or not FM's feelings will be hurt with the unpredictability of Princess I Want My Own Way All the Time, and Tyler is just managing the chaos of my tears, insecurities and general ridiculousness. So what does one do in our situation? The "beauty" of an open adoption is that Emery will have contact with her birth mom and that those questions she'll eventually need answered will come directly from the source. So what can I do right now at this moment in her one and half years of life to teach her who her birth mom is? I haven't figured this out yet. I know that I have to do it, I have to figure out a system otherwise I'll regret it. I need to do my due diligence and ask FM what she's expecting specifically from this relationship. Do I keep a photo of FM in a frame and have it accessible to Emery? I hope to get some of these questions answered from her on Monday. It's time for me to use the 120 uncomfortable minutes to discuss the elephant in the room, and lets face it. I may as well make the best of this "norm". There should be a manual for this!
For now, I pray that the visit goes smoothly. That FM's social worker preps her for the inevitable disappointment of this impending visit because friends...when your very own child whom you carried for nine months belongs to someone else forever and she doesn't know you, that's definitely a disappointment.

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