Sunday, December 4, 2011

Eight months...

It has officially been eight months since FM has seen Emery. Eight. This breaks my heart in many ways. First way, this was not how our arrangement was supposed to be. We were supposed to be living a few hours away with a visit every few months and some contact via email and photos in between. Second, these visits right now are more for FM than they are for anyone else involved. Whether Emery sees her every month or every six months she still will not be familiar with her at the visits. (Which will lead me to another blog post saved for later). So I'm sad for her "loss of plan" really. I guess. Third, I canNOT imagine life without my girl for one day let alone 244. I can't imagine it one bit. The thought of her not being by my side is nauseating and unsettling. FM choosing a lifetime of not seeing her every day just wrecks me. I still to this very day have an insurmountable amount of gratitude for this child who had a child. For her very grown up decision that helped make me a mama. There are so many things about "our situation" that I think I wish we're different. The amount of direct contact we have with her is not very much and honestly when people ask me how we are dealing with an open adoption I have to start off with, "well ours isn't typical". Whatever that's supposed to mean. A typical open adoption? Yeah, that doesn't exist. So many extenuating circumstances play into how it works for each individual family that really, in my ever so humble opinion, that's a really hard question to answer. I begin to ponder the next visit, which will hopefully be at Christmas time, I must pray for smoothness in the transition for FM. She'll probably continue to amaze me.

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