Monday, September 12, 2011


Since Emery's personality has been ummm...really blooming lately I've caught myself thinking, "I wonder if FM was like this when she was little?". I've always focused on getting answers from FM in regards to her pregnancy, the birth, Emery's first weeks alive etc. that I've totally forgotten that there are answers I need from FM's mom. Which can't happen, since she passed away a few years ago. When I was little I remember asking my mom questions like, "What was I like when I was a baby?" to which she replied "Kari, you were one of my easiest births, and one of my most easy going babies". That made me proud, especially since my next sister was basically the most stubborn wild coyote ever whom no one could stand to watch because she'd cry the whole time. When I got myself all worked up in a tizzy over having to get some shots my mom would say, "Kari, you were my ONLY baby that never cried when you got your shots." All of these little connections, these little roots are fascinating when you have a child that isn't biologically yours. I'm curious what it's like to have a child that looks like you. Now hear me out, I don't obsess over it or get depressed about it and certainly it's something that is still a possibility but I think about it, nevertheless. Sometimes the gravity of the situation escapes me and other times I'm overwhelmed by it. So for seriously the FIRST time in almost a year I found myself pining for the advice of a dead woman I've never even met. I reached out to the social worker to see if there any pictures of my little love when she was a newborn. The situation was so tense and crazy in the beginning I knew it was a long shot, and while I haven't been given a firm no I've been told, "Don't get your hopes up." I was told that same thing when we first learned about a four month old little african american girl who later became our daughter. Hope away.

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