Thursday, September 29, 2011

I remember this day...

This day last year I remember meeting my mom for lunch. In fact that week I managed to have lunch with my dad ALL BY MYSELF (which as the second of seven children has probably only happened ten times in my life), AND then mom the very next day. Anywho, at this point in time I was feeling very anxious and really very discouraged. I had to remind our social worker that we had moved since she last finished our home study which meant she needed to come and do an addendum. This meant that she had to drive two and a half hours to spend only about 30 minutes at our home, to drive two and a half hours back to spend however long it takes to type up a new home study all for a "don't get your hopes up scenario". Then she asked me, "Do you still want to move forward with this?". I was frozen. I mean, did I? It seemed that there were so many barriers that kept creeping up and I just didn't get it. I didn't want to move forward because I didn't want our hearts broken again. I couldn't imagine going through these extra steps and then having it not matter. Moving forward meant I was hoping, and it was hard to come to terms with hoping. I picked up food from mine and mama's favorite place and we proceeded to eat together, in my the parking lot. The conversations we proceeded to have were more one sided than anything. I expressed doubts on whether or not we should continue, was it really worth it? Was I potentially removing an infant from a foster family who loved her? I struggled with that a lot actually. How would I feel if I had a momentary lapse of judgement (they turned down adopting her because they didn't want an open adoption) and then lost the opportunity to keep a child I had cared for at length? This was a huge internal struggle for me. Jan had always been very honest in the beginning about the reality of this not working out. SO, over sweet and sour chicken it was decided that we would move forward. That the barriers we had faced up until this point were smoothed out and that this was just one more issue that needed smoothing. I contacted Jan and said lets do it. She was scheduled to arrive the very next morning, a mere five hours before we would find out we were parents. I know I've said this probably a million times but it honestly NEVER gets old to focus on how perfect God's timing was in this whole thing. I mean, every little detail was orchestrated perfectly and all for our sweet girl. I'm surprised at how much I've thought about it this week, and yet I'm not. It was and continues to be an amazing journey...and I have the most precious gift to show for it.

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