Friday, July 29, 2011

Surprising reaction...

So, I've never been secretive about my anxiety as it relates to BM visits. In the beginning it was a lot because I just didn't know what to expect and then the second visit I had gotten all my crap together and decided to be more bold and now as I was staring down the barrel of visit number three I was feeling, surprisingly upbeat. I had a plan. We were going to discuss the frequency of my email updates and photos, would she rather me send physical photos in the mail? Is she satisfied with the "openness" of our agreement? I also was fiddling with the idea of asking her about her parents. Keep it light, and mainly focus on personality traits etc. nothing crazy. I had orchestrated the date and time with both social workers and we decided on Tuesday at 1:30. Well...too bad so sad, the visit isn't goin' down. As it turns out BM's foster family is all going on vacation for 10 days which happen to be the 10 days that I'm in town. It's strange how that went down, but mostly my reaction was strange to me. I was genuinely disappointed. I was so prepared to make more progress and develop this little nuance of life. I'm proud of myself and my disappointment. At the end of the day it's about Emery and the relationship that she'll have with her birth mom and the one thing I always tell myself when I start to get all wonky about our "arrangement" is that I never ever want to get in the way of what could potentially happen between BM and Emery. I don't want that on my shoulders, she deserves to know her. She deserves to know the woman (well, technically girl) who selflessly made the toughest decision of her life all for Emery. If you think about that, it's pretty unbelievable. So I guess I've grown in my expectations of this wild ride, and I've become attached to the girl who gave me my little lovey. BM deserves exactly what Emery has. A family who is willing to take the plunge to take her home and love her as their own.

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