Monday, April 11, 2011

Birth Mom visit #2...

The last visit was pretty much a hot mess...I didn't know what to expect, I couldn't identify my role completely because I was new to the whole "mom" thing let alone the whole "visit with FM" thing. I made a promise to myself after that first visit that I would maintain as much normality as possible. I was too accommodating the first time (and yes, there is such a thing as TOO much accommodation). We're big on boundaries in our life when it comes to our family. Sometimes that's not well received but in my opinion it's all about presentation when it comes to setting up boundaries. We had a little hiccup the week prior to the visit (I'm not intending on being secretive but because this is a public blog there are certain things I won't share specifically) and it made me defensive. The whole mantra of "Kari, she's young" kept ringing in my ears so I focused on that. The day of our finalization we had agreed to meet FM a few hours after we were finished, it wasn't ideal for me but given the fact that we're three hours away from where she lives I bit the bullet and made it happen. We were flying high from the reality that our family was legal now, and had just spent the afternoon celebrating and shopping with my parents and sister. We had decided to meet at the CHS offices where we had picked Emery up that first night because they have a play room and it was more conducive for these types of visits. It couldn't have gone any better! FM was excited to see Emery, the little hiccup was never mentioned, and we sat there for the next hour filling her in almost like we would a babysitter. It would take me too many words to even try to get you to understand how surreal situations like this are because you see in my mind and in my world she has always been mine. It's really the strangest thing. I never thought when we adopted that I would ever forget she was adopted but I do. I watched as FM did her typical once over...she touches Emery's hair, skin, and just stares at her. She comments that her birth mark is fading (I've never even noticed a birth mark). I ask her to point it out and then I realize that birth marks on brown babies look a heck of a lot different than birth marks on white babies. =) FM stayed closer to me this visit, when Emery would fuss she'd come by me for a quick fuss fix and I'd hand her back. We chatted about school, her favorite subject, how she sang in church a few weeks ago and how it made her feel very proud of herself. We never ever discussed the elephant in the room...how is she dealing with this loss? These visits aren't about me. They're about her. Selfishly I want to take that entire hour and ask every question in the book, because Lord knows I'm an answers kind of girl. Instead, I held our girl while FM compared their hands noting their similarities and I became lost in how poignant this moment was. Her gift to me was Emery and my gift to her are these visits. Full circle baby...full circle.

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