Wednesday, March 23, 2011

I'm at a loss with our "Open Adoption"...

Tyler and I agreed to having an open adoption with Emery, we were both comfortable with it and definitely we're interested in making it work. If I'm being totally honest, its just been weird. I'm having a hard time trying to understand my role in this. On one hand I'm in total control, I am the mom. I am the one who takes care of her every day and loves her. The one thing I am NOT is the one who carried her in my belly and gave birth to her. For some reason on the first visit I gave up total control, I allowed her to be soothed and fed by FM and I just didn't know what to expect. That will never happen again, I will be in control this time. Tyler will help take charge in the situation too. For the last month I've been dreading another visit, and the truth is I don't want to dread it. I don't want to get nervous when we start discussing a time and day to meet. I have friends who carry on open adoptions with their children's FM and it looks very different from mine. It really has been over the last couple months that I've discovered in my mind why theirs looks different than mine. My FM is a teenager...she's like four years away from being "legal". Her priorities are different, her attitude is different, she's in flipping foster care for crying out loud. I've found solace in other adoptive moms stories of open adoptions but I have yet to find someone who is even remotely in a similar situation. Which begs me the question, why isn't there some kind of database for this???? What I would give to have an email conversation with another adoptive mama about the nuances of open adoption with an orphan, teen mom in foster care. Sometimes this overwhelms me. Today I'm annoyed. They wanted to piggy back the finalization hearing with a visit and I'm just not down with that. We'll have friends and family at the hearing (because the hearing is three hours away and in the same city as where the visit is) and what am I supposed to do with them for an hour while us three meet together in some stuffy conference room pretending that it's not completely awkward? I find myself saying things like..."I don't want FM to be part of that day at all, I don't want my memory of that special day to include a visit with her". Why am I angry about it? It's because I'm lost in the land of not knowing what to do when the truth is I need to tap into the amount of gratitude I have for her, get back to the basics of the stupendously courageous decision FM made to carry this child to full term at 13 years old, try and care for her only to realize she couldn't and then totally give up any and all rights she had to this child. At 13. Thirteen. That just blows my mind. So it's time for me to get back onto the gratitude bandwagon, start thinking of FM in a more positive light. Get over my own insecurities and seriously bask in the goodness that is our spirited little girl, because I'm telling you there isn't anyone more fabulous than her.

1 comment:

  1. Thank you for sharing the confusing feelings. I think lots of that will change on April 8, 2011!