Tuesday, January 4, 2011

Selflessness and strength personified...

I know I've shared on here a few times the struggles that my sister Kelly is facing with starting a family of her own. I know I've shared how much I love her and before I became a mama we endured our oddly similar heartaches together over teary phone calls and text messages and I seriously with all of my heart know that God blessed us with the relationship we have because we needed each other during those hard times. However, I've not been able to share her most recent struggles because she needed time to heal from them without everyone knowing her business. I suppose deep down we both knew that one of us would break our heartbreak cycle first...each of us probably thinking deep down..."I'll be fine, we'll be fine, as long as we're both in the same predicament and have that understanding of each other, we'll be fine." Then October 1st we brought Emery home and my sister was at home...still childless. Or so I thought. As it turns out she was pregnant but given her last two miscarriages her and Mike decided not to tell anyone. Generally I'm the one exception to that rule but she kept it quiet, even from me. Fast forward to their unbelievable excitement of finding out it's twins AND they have nice strong heartbeats we were all very optimistic and in complete shock! It was a happy time for us, I had my little bug and she was pregnant again and seeing heartbeats, which had never happened to her before. They were going in for another ultrasound on a Monday to see if this membrane had grown between the two beans (because for twins that necessary). She called me while we were on our way home from the chiropractor..."No heartbeats anymore Kar." She lost them. Both of them. Pure heartbreak. Over the course of the next few weeks my amazing sister and best friend personified selflessness and strength in amazing ways. She wanted updates on Emery constantly, she offered to watch her a number of times, when we were together she didn't wallow (even though I seriously would have been ok with that). She opted for a surgery to rid her body of the failed pregnancy and moved on. She was silent but not in denial. The amount of respect I have for her can't be put into words. As I look back on the month of October I've come to realize that she allowed me time to get into my mama groove while she was getting out of hers. There are times I feel guilty about my lack of involvement in her heartbreak this time around, plenty of times where I say to myself...I should have been there, for her surgery, for her post surgery, for her sadness. I wish I had more time to do what I "normally" do in this oddly familiar situation. Take her to lunch, buy her some flowers, cry with her. This woman is strength. This woman is selfless. This friend and sister of mine is amazing. She will, one day, become the most amazing mother ever...until then she continues on with life as a kick ass aunt and one of my most amazing friends ever.

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