Thursday, January 27, 2011

It's the little things...

I was watching American Idol tonight and there was a girl who auditioned. Yes, I realize that this is the entire premise of the show but this girl was african american and her parents were white. I cried. It's the first time since we've brought Emery home that I've actually seen this family dynamic outside of my own home. This isn't a woe is me type of post it's just my reality that's all. People do look at me funny when it's just her and I in public but boy howdy do we get some real weird looks when it's the three of us. I guess eventually I won't notice, but for now I do. Then I get a little defensive, which I hate. Then I tell myself, Kari get over it. I feel so insecure sometimes, almost like I have to make sure I say or do something that proves to strangers I'm her mother and not a babysitter. I also know that I will have more of an adjustment with our color difference than she will because we're all she has ever known. There are so many thoughts I have on a daily basis in regards to how much pain and loss she'll experience once she can comprehend it. Some days I just want her to be BORN from me so she won't feel that hurt...and then I realize that the beauty of adoption and why God CHOSE Tyler and I is that perhaps He recognized a capacity in us that we didn't know we had. The capacity to pick up broken pieces and try to make a childhood out of them. I love my little girl, with all of my living, beating, blood pumping heart and there is nothing (especially her color) that I would change. She is magic. Every day.

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