Saturday, January 1, 2011

Fear of getting the ball rolling...

Before Tyler and I were parents I'd have days where I thought to myself..."Man, life is good. We can go wherever we want, take however long we need, and not have to deal with kids". Then other days my thoughts would be consumed by the very real desire that I didn't really want the "no kid" life. Fast forward to the first few weeks when we decided to begin the adoption process and my days were generally filled with pretty much pure terror. I was so anxious about being a parent, but most of all I was just anxious about time going by so fast. Everyone and their brother have always told me...enjoy it because it goes by so fast and will be over before you know it. That's my problem. I don't want time to go by fast. I don't want to blink and have Emery turning ten. So what was meant as a good natured "stop and smell the roses" comment turned out to be a real fear of mine. I was also dealing with the reality that once we began this baby train we had to be very mindful of the fact that we didn't want our kids spaced too far apart and that means the clock is ticking. I like the age gap that my sisters and I share...three and a half years. That means Kelly was old enough to sort of help my mom when I was born and also to self entertain because she was basically an angel child anyway, and then my mom had two helpers when Michelle, who was basically hell on wheels, was born. Now the next three, Michelle, Jacob and Ben were all like 18 months (maybe even less) apart and I'm pretty sure my mom was overwhelmed and Kelly and I were over the whole babysitting brothers and sisters bit for sure. All of this to say...there's a lot of pressure that I put on myself when we decided to start a family. The planner part of me (which makes up probably 10%) went into turbo mode and I was just overthinking things. Just go with the flow Kar. Just go with the flow. So that's what I'm doing...enjoying the little gal, because she's pretty perfect most days and I definitely don't want to miss out on that. I love being a mama of a girl, it's funny to see her little personality emerge more in the last few weeks. She's ornery. Very ornery. Poor Tyler...he's outnumbered now.

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