Thursday, December 30, 2010

Just soak it in...

This Christmas was definitely different...better...more fantastic than any Christmas of my adult life. I just wanted to soak it in, capture all of the little details of a day that I know she'll ask me about when she's older. There were presents, and the eating of wrapping paper but for me there was a little girl sitting in my lap that wasn't there last year. Just the idea of her really. The weird surreal reality that I'm a mom is growing on me a little. I still feel the same as before for the most part, I just have someone new that's along for the ride. She has been the most amazing little sidekick ever! At 12:01 on Christmas day I was holding my new little gal while she ate a bottle and the three of us, in our bed wished each other a Merry Christmas. I kissed her little face and Tyler and I just looked at each other...Merry Christmas sissy.

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

My heart and arms are happy...

"For you see, each day I love you more. Today more than yesterday and less than tomorrow."
-Rosemonde Gerard
This little girl. She has really done a number on us. People always told me that they were amazed at how much love they could feel for another person, other than their spouse. They would tell me I'd be overwhelmed because it just grows every day more and more. They would be right. I feel like each day with her is a new adventure, like I get to plan out our escapades together even if it's just a trip to the grocery or the bank. We are exploring this new world of mother and daughter together and I love it. Yes it's more work to lug around a huge carrier or whip out the stroller because the store we're visiting doesn't have carts....but I just plain don't care. I go to bed thinking about her, I wake in the night thinking about her, I wake in the morning thinking about her, in between calls and clients at work, on my way home...I just can't help it. She has taught me so much about myself, about how capable I really am of this mother thing. I doubted myself a lot in the beginning, which surprised me and probably some close to me too. I've always been good with kids, worked in the nursery at church, babysat, nannied, worked at a preschool, I have A LOT of experience but when it came time to bring her home and take full responsibility for her 24 hours a day....I discovered that I didn't really know that much at all. I questioned everything I thought was right, I worried about her nutrition, her developmental milestones...etc. Until my mom said to me one night on the phone..."Kari, just trust yourself. Trust that you know what you're doing...use the knowledge that you know you have and make it work for you." I remember sitting on the couch with my mom and dad two days after we brought Emery home, and just crying. Everything was changing so quickly and I was powerless to stop it. Over the last two and half months she has been the most patient baby with the two of us and I love it.
Tonight, at work, I told HER story again. You know, the unbelievable story of how she came to us? The most magnificent five day ride EVER. It had been a while since I was able to share it and I found myself getting emotional reliving the details with a woman who knew me as a child and now knows me as a mother. She's ours. All ours. These arms of mine are filled with the most precious little brown baby ever, and my heart is happy with the love of the most precious little brown baby ever.

Sunday, December 12, 2010

Behold! Teeth are finally here...

So after what I seriously believe is about two months of teething, last Wednesday FINALLY a little tooth broke through. Well, a little part of a tooth broke through. Then two days later its next door neighbor broke through too and this morning you can actually see the entire top of them! I have never been more proud in my life...and I think that's so weird. I mean my heart was swelling for my little girl, over a silly tooth! I kept thinking..."These are the most beautiful teeth I've ever laid eyes on". Freak.
It got me thinking about the future with my little gal and how there will be so many moments much bigger than this that make me a proud mama. I mean I'm already proud to have her as my own but to see her grow and change has been one of the coolest things about motherhood. You just want the best for them, even if it's something as silly as the best teething experience.

Monday, December 6, 2010

I held her a little closer tonight...

Today made for interesting thoughts and conversations.
This morning I lazed around avoiding the craziness of getting a six month old ready for 5 hours of travel. Bottles, diapers, change of clothes, her favorite dangling toy thing, get the picture. When we first brought her home our drive was over three hours and seriously you wouldn't have ever guessed we had an infant in the back seat. HOWEVER, it was almost 10pm when we were heading home so she was cashed out. Today, we were hoping for only a meltdown or two out of sheer boredom and she didn't deliver. She was seriously fantastic both there and back, YIPPEE! The actual visit was pretty much what I imagined it would be. FM was super excited to see her and got right back into the groove of what used to soothe her, only it didn't work. Emery was fussy because she's teething and not eating when we think she's hungry so she was pretty much fussy on and off the entire time which is what I hoped wouldn't happen. Our social worker was there (as well as FM's) and it was great to have her kind of facilitating this unknown territory and be there as a support to us as well. At one point in time I had to convince myself to not cry, it was just so overwhelming to see Emery staring at her first mama. To see FM stare back and just take each other in was something I honestly don't think I'll ever forget. It was weird to see MY girl in the arms of someone who carried her, and it made me think of how unbelievably grateful I am to have this little woman in my life. Our conversations were polite, we discussed milestones and funny things she's doing. I asked FM how her 14th birthday was and marveled at how much she has grown physically in the last two months. I listened to her call sissy by her given name and wondered at what point in these visits will we transition completely to Emery. Will that be an issue? Who is counseling FM on how hard these visits will be for her, especially as Emery gets older? As we said goodbye I continued forward and Tyler remained behind talking to a stalling FM. She observed, out loud, that it's like she doesn't remember her...and I fear it's really because she doesn't.
So tonight, when I dressed my little bug in her warmest fleece jammies, I held her closer. I looked at her longer and breathed in her scent deeper because I simply can't imagine my life without her.

Sunday, December 5, 2010

I'm just a little nervous...

I've been dreading this day for a few weeks now. Tomorrow is our first visit with FM since we took Emery home, and I just don't know how it's going to go. It's not that I'm afraid she can take her back, because she really can't. It's not that I'm afraid we'll get into arguments over her care or anything. It's just...truthfully...if I'm keeping in time with the entire essence of my blog (unedited honesty)...I'm afraid I'll be jealous. Like I'm the new girlfriend going to a party where I know the old girlfriend will be. I'm afraid I'll be satisfied if Emery cries and wants me to hold her. It's not right, this I know, but there's little I can do to stop it! On the other hand, I hope she isn't so cranky that FM feels like she didn't really get to spend time enough time with her because I'm sure she has high hopes for what tomorrow holds. It'll be good though. The benefits of this weird arrangement far outweigh my incessant need to worry about every little thing. When she's older she'll thank me...she'll respect me for it, she'll respect FM for it. I've talked to many adoptees who were very thankful for their open adoptions because it allowed them to have many of their questions answered almost immediately. I'll do it for her! I'll do anything for her...

Thursday, December 2, 2010

Is there anything more delicious than this face?...

I'm feeling slightly inspired to write a blog post after waking this little bundle from a semi-deep sleep. It's my desperate attempt to fill her belly with a formula/oatmeal so she sleeps through the night, and I'm telling you right now if it works...I'll be sending flowers to the client friend of mine who suggested it.
But seriously, is there anything more delicious than this face? I honestly can't get enough. We've recently taken to calling her "sissy". Tyler just blurted it out one day and I said..."did you just call her sissy?". He said "yes". I said "That's kinda cute!". From then on, she has been sissy. This may be cheesy to some, and we generally aren't nickname people but for some strange reason it fits. Here are some things she does that make me melt into a puddle on the floor.
1. When I come home from being gone for a while she cranes her neck to see me, and then studies my face before bursting out into a big grin. Almost like she's saying..."I knew you'd come back!".
2. When she wakes in the morning she lays in her crib and just has chat with her mobile.
3. She's stubborn, this isn't necessarily a good thing, but I'm stubborn so we share that sometimes immobilizing character trait. =)
4. Tyler is able to sing and play through and entire set of worship songs for Sunday while she sits and stares at him. No crying. No talking. Just watching.
5. She's spoiled by being held all the time. I don't see why this is an issue.

Anywho, things are moving along with our sweet little sissy. She's sitting up a lot better, although still a little behind in the whole rolling over thing. Her physical therapy appointments for her flat head are making a huge difference, and she's totally off of her prescription Zantac. She has managed to dazzle most everyone she comes into contact with. I can't imagine any other face I'd rather look at, even if it's at 3 in the morning.