Tuesday, February 23, 2010

Just so you know...

When we started this process I knew that some people may assume that we are going the adoption route because we can’t get pregnant. That isn’t true. While we have some inklings that if we ever want a bio child it may take a little something extra to make that happen right now, we don’t have any concrete evidence that points to infertility. I started to think of ways I could cleverly tell people that wasn’t the case without seeming insecure about being put in that category and quickly gave up because people will always assume what they want and I can’t run myself ragged trying to explain things. There is only one reason why I don’t want to be categorized as infertile....

I don’t deserve the assumption of strength that being infertile carries. I have not endured even an ounce of heartache as it relates to my reproductive health. I haven’t had any procedures done, failed pregnancies, failed attempts at pregnancies, IVF, IUI...nothing. I can’t imagine what it would be like to go to extreme measures to carry a child of my own and have it be a totally completely closed door. I’ve read blogs and magazine articles, have had close family members who have truly experienced infertility and I can’t, in good conscience, allow myself to be categorized with such amazing women of strength.

Monday, February 22, 2010

Angelina & Madonna have nothing to do with this...

Lets make one thing ABSOLUTELY clear. Our choice for adoption has absolutely nothing to do with what’s apparently becoming trendy in America. We did not opt to pay a crap load of money so people could categorize us in the “Angelina Jolie and Madonna have adopted so that must be what peeked your interest initially”. To answer your question...yes I’ve had someone say those words to me, I’m not lying. I mean I think it’s awesome if adoption is considered a “trend” because at least there’s some substance to it instead of aviator sunglasses and leg warmers that have somehow weaseled their way back into this decade. This “trend” means a child has an awesome life with a family that can take care of them properly, this “trend” means a future and not death or starvation. Just so you know, Tyler and I successfully came to this conclusion completely separate from Madge & Mrs. Smith...I’m being sarcastic. Here’s a little bit of a disclaimer...I, Kari, in no way am trying to take away from Evita & Tomb Raider’s adoption stories. I simply would have liked to know the process they went through. Legally they’d have to do a home study...what the heck is that like for a social worker? Showing up to freaking Madonna’s house for your first home study visit? Did they have to wait as long to get their court date and their referral like all of my other blog friends who have waited months and months for theirs? The good I see in a situation like theirs is that they weren’t faced with the financial burden that all adoptive parents face through their journey. I can’t imagine having that kind of pressure removed from our situation. What a completely different experience this would be if I didn’t have to wait for the phone to ring telling me yes or no on grants, so I could call Jan and excitedly tell her YES YES YES to any referrals coming our way! And YES YES YES to the other three referrals that have come and gone. You know what? I’m ok with that. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, God chose this for us, not the other way around. We’ll take it all, the good, the bad, the yes and no’s, the wait and see’s...all of it.

Midnight Musing...

Can’t sleep. Again. Perused the usual websites, read the usual blogs, now I’m left to my own daydreaming devices. I’m just laying here thinking lots of things, mainly baby, and it’s so surreal to me that I’ll eventually be a mother. That one human (for now) will rely on me for vomit, snot and poo clean up, discipline, homework, advice, friendship, and support. That in the beginning they’ll think I’m silly and funny and full of great ideas, and then the midway through I’ll be the biggest geek ever and they will roll their eyes at me, argue with me, not understand me, and think I don’t understand them. In which time, I’ll be cleaning up broken hearts, their laundry, their bathroom, their dishes and probably will understand them better during this time than when they were pooping their own pants. Oh well. I’ve resigned myself to the fact that those years will be the hardest probably, and that they’ll come out of it with as much love for me as I have for my own mother now as a twenty something. And that when I’m gone they’ll think of me fondly and hopefully miss me, maybe even drive their offspring crazy.

To my mother: I didn’t mean it when I was in middle school and high school and treated you badly, I knew you were just trying to help but I wanted to be right all the time. You are, always have been, always will be the coolest lady I know.

Thursday, February 18, 2010

Coincidence?... I think not!

It’s interesting to me that after my meltdown yesterday and coming to grips with the fact that I have to be patient and see this through, that I get a phone call today from one the places that we applied to. It’s called LifeSong for Orphans and we decided to apply with them for a no interest adoption loan, knowing full well that paying it back won’t be an issue because of the adoption tax credit we’ll receive. Her name is Abby, she was a very sweet lady and super fun to talk to on the phone. I couldn’t believe that I actually got a phone call!!!! I don’t care that she didn’t give me a yes or no answer, I just cared to know that they were working on it (which is progress on my part). She just wanted to know more about our fundraising efforts and to gauge where we are at in the process. I was able to tell her that we have denied three referrals in hopes to communicate the immediate need we have for this money, and now we have the very real possibility of yet another one slipping through our fingers! She was kind, a breath of fresh air, and it’s always so exciting to speak with someone else about the rigors of the adoption process. She did inform me that we will hear back from her in a few weeks!!!! YAHOOOOO!!!!!! Please pray that God gives us favor with LifeSong, pray that we qualify for some of our cost so we can accept this referral. Pray that God will put YOU into contact with individuals who may want to give towards this effort as well.

In closing as a reminder to myself, here are things we are NOT....we are not an infertile couple whose only means for having a family is through adoption which most times people just don’t understand, we are not able to do this financially without the help of grants, donations from friends and family, and sacrifices in our own finances. Instead, here are some things that we ARE...we are two people who love each other and want to share this life with someone else, we ARE capable of providing for this child, we ARE obeying God’s direction in our life to move forward with adoption, we ARE nothing in this life without Him and what He did for us on the cross...we ARE going to be parents some day to a child whose own family couldn’t or didn’t want them...we ARE blessed to be called to such a challenge.

Wednesday, February 17, 2010

Meltdown = Reaization...

So, last week I purchased a sweet crib off of Craig’s List! It’s so cute, and one that I have been eyeing on Target.com for the last couple months, I was so excited. Fast forward to today, the crib is still sitting in our living room waiting for us to clear out a spot for it. It’s a constant reminder for me that there isn’t a baby to put in it but also that there will soon be a baby to put in it. I’ve been kicking around the idea of just taking it apart, truthfully as a self preservation move on my part. Crib is up and empty, I obsess about how it’s empty. Then I think, take the crib apart this process will never end, and it’s almost like if I take it apart I’m conceding to that. Poor Tyler asks me the simple question, “So do you want to take it apart?...I start sobbing...like a total freak. I can’t even explain to him how much I want to, but don’t want to take that stupid crib apart. You see, you must know something about me. I’m as impatient as they come. It’s hands down my WORST personality trait, and something that I fight on a daily basis. I truly believe deep down in my heart that’s one of the reasons why God chose adoption for us...not to spite me but just to teach me. Teach me to trust Him, His plan, His timing. These grants are out of my hands. There’s nothing I can do right now to make them process faster, nothing I can do to make them be in our favor. He is teaching me that He holds our baby in His hands...our finances and fundraising efforts are all His plans for us, and yes of course I want this to happen now, tomorrow, last month with the little man. I can’t stop thinking about the possibility of this little girl being ours...but I get so anxious that it really may not happen and that I’ll have to tell Jan no. Fab social worker said in our last email that she’d be willing to wait a few weeks for us, but after that she can‘t risk not finding a forever family for the new little girl by waiting too long for us.

Truth is, I’ve waited 27 years to be a mom, what’s a few more months?

Jeremiah 29:11-13 “For I know the plans I have for you," says the Lord . "They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope. 12 In those days when you pray, I will listen.13 If you look for me wholeheartedly, you will find me.”

Thursday, February 11, 2010

It's a girl...maybe!

I’m telling you, and this is absolutely no joke, I thought to myself this very day...I haven’t heard from fab social worker in a little bit. Then at 4:50 I get an email, the one I secretly have been dreading since our last denial. She has an african american baby girl who is due to be born at the end of April beginning of May. The birth mother has not completely decided yet if she is going to put the baby up for adoption, which kind of stresses me out because of what we went through the last time. Here’s the thing...I can’t say no. Little girl, I can’t not take you home with me. I said the last time that I just don’t think I can do it. This one is different, it’s super tentative, meaning the mother seriously hasn’t decided. We have time on our side FOR ONCE. We have two and half months until she’s born but only a couple weeks probably in order to make a decision to move forward. The email from Jan said, “this is not certain yet, BUT if things go through she’ll need to know ASAP if we’re interested”. Silly Jan. Doesn’t she know by now that of course we’re interested, interested is not the problem. Money is the problem. It’s always the problem. We are just waiting to hear back from our grant app’s we sent out! We can’t make a move forward until we hear back. We got a check in the mail out of the blue the other day, from people we care about, who care about us. Who care about our baby. I love that. I can’t get enough of that...and no, it doesn’t mean that I only think you love our baby if you send us money, it’s just cool when people make sacrifices in their own life like that. We’re up against a time crunch here. We need approximately $8600 to even accept this referral. I know it’s possible, I know that God is bigger. I’m continuing to pray that our grant applications find their way into the hearts of those who will donate the money to make our family a reality. Please continue praying, if you are.

Monday, February 8, 2010

I dreamt about you last night baby...

It’s weird because from the beginning of this whole endeavor I’ve always dreamt girl. I don’t know why, obviously it’s a dream so I can’t sit there and ask myself those questions while I dream. I can’t say well I’m craving different things this time, or I’m carrying really high, or the heart beat is fast or slow. Last night it was a boy. Maybe because it was almost a boy, and we bought boy stuff, and settled on a boy name, or maybe because I’ve always wanted a boy first so he can protect his little sister, and it’s a dynamic I’m not familiar with at all. It was a funny dream, just like “a day in the life” kind of thing, toy trucks and legos on the floor, both him and Tyler were playing. That’s it. Until next time little boy...only next time can it be me holding you in my arms?

Friday, February 5, 2010

Something...

Anything. I just need a little give in this process, some kind of major break through. Something. I’m excited about the possibility of the grants bringing some funds through but I’m scared that it might not pan out. I always told myself that we couldn’t count on those grants 100%, we couldn’t even count on the grants 20%. I just don’t think I can send another denial email to fab social worker...another one slipped through our fingers last week. Little boy, born on Sunday (email from her was on Tuesday, which I’m noticing is a trend for us...Tuesday’s). Parents have six children already and can’t handle another one. Fab social worker said that she was pretty confident we would be matched because the birth parents weren’t being too choosy and we were the ONLY ONES in like three districts who don’t have a race or gender preference. Nothin’ like a confidence booster, being the last resort. I know she didn’t mean it that way but sometimes I think people forget that it’s a human life that’s waiting in the wings. If we didn’t take him, he’d have to go to foster care until someone else did. Heartbreaking. A little boy, who didn’t choose to be born to parents who already had six other children and couldn’t “deal” with another, has to go and live his brand new life with total strangers who might be freaks. He has to bond with someone he won’t ever remember, his life will be sustained by someone who doesn’t intend on keeping him, and who knows for how long, days, months, maybe even a year or two. This whole process puts you in the middle of so many crazy emotions. You feel for the birth mom and her admittance to not being able to handle this, but you’re annoyed that she couldn’t be more responsible six children later to just say ENOUGH and use some freaking protection or stop having sex! I know first hand of many success stories involving foster adoption, and I know it’s not the last resort but with things like this it’s just not the ideal situation, and the one thing I always go back to is...HE didn’t have a choice in this. He didn’t choose his parents, he didn’t choose that he was child number six instead of two, he didn’t choose to be orphaned.

Deuteronomy 10:18 “He ensures that orphans and widows receive justice. He shows love to the foreigners living among you and gives them food and clothing.”