Sunday, January 31, 2010

Patience is a virtue blah blah blah...

It’s weeks like this last one that really make me impatient, well more impatient than normal. When it’s really quiet and no movement on the adoption front I just get so restless and I literally am just aching to have my child home with us, whoever he or she may, whether they are in a belly, foster home, or in another country...I just want them home with us. I want people we love to meet them, know them, and love them. We’re ready, more than ready. Right now we’re just playing the waiting game with some grant applications, which I’m hoping and praying are a success. In the meantime, we are starting to put together another fundraiser in the next couple months that hopefully will be a big success and fun at the same time. We’re continuing to save our change and promote our coffee sales, so spread the word to your friends to visit our coffee store at www.justlovecoffee.com/zielasko, $5 from every bag purchased goes directly to us...it ships super fast and according to my coffee loving husband is darn good coffee!

Wednesday, January 27, 2010

Why I love this girl...

Meet my big sister Kelly. She’s 30 years old (ouch!), plays the piano, enjoys staring at a computer screen all day, dabbles in photography, is anal retentive about things being straight on walls, and has an amazing husband who takes great care of her. Here are a few reasons why I love her:

  1. She is hands down a genuinely caring person.
  2. She knows what I’m talking about when I say “wolf game”, belly button, dude-a-lang, “I want a salerno butter cookie”, the fatchelorette, chinese eyes, and many more.
  3. Was an awesome roommate.
  4. Allowed me to mooch off her for almost my entire college career (which technically only lasted three semesters) and shared her friends with me.
  5. On the day I got a call saying someone wanted me to have their baby, she got a “doesn’t look promising” speech from her nurse about the fact they couldn’t find a heartbeat or a baby, and she was concerned about ME. Me.

During the 80 conversations I had with her on that Tuesday, she never brought up her current and most horrifying devastation. The fact that this would make it two miscarriages in six months never came out of her mouth. She is one of my most treasured friends. The friend that I have some of the most fantastic memories with. The friend that knows me truly, and puts up with my crap. I feel so blessed to have her in my life. I also feel fortunate to have her be my sister too...such a bonus. If you think about it over the next few days pray for her. She miscarried this last Tuesday night and has been recuperating ever since. Her heart is broken. But these were her exact words via text... “I have the love of a God bigger than this...and that is my comfort.” My dear Kelly, I love you more than this silly blog can say. I love the idea of you being a mom, and I love the idea even more of us being moms together...at the right time.

2 Corinthians 1:3-4 All praise to God, the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ. God is our merciful Father and the source of all comfort.4 He comforts us in all our troubles so that we can comfort others. When they are troubled, we will be able to give them the same comfort God has given us.

Monday, January 25, 2010

What I have to believe...

In an effort to figure out exactly what we’re supposed to learn from the “almost baby” situation, I really have been wracking my brain and praying a lot the last few days. On Tuesday when all was said and done, I looked at Tyler and said “What are we supposed to learn from this?”. We didn’t ask for this. It came out of the blue completely, we never once prayed that God would put us in contact directly with a pregnant woman who wanted to give her baby up. Tyler couldn’t give me an answer, it was too soon I think for the both of us to try and come to any conclusions but I was legitimately curious and desperate to know what lesson I needed to learn. I wanted to make it very clear to God that His message was received loud and clear whatever message that was. You see if we had sought this girl out, if we were making it our personal mission to stalk pregnant women and beg for their unborn, unwanted children I would get it, I would see how He would have maybe wanted to put His foot down and say “GUYS! This is not how I want you to become parents!”. The truth is, we weren’t doing that. We weren’t even thinking that an identified adoption actually happened in real life (which is the type of adoption when we find the birth mom instead of our agency). It seemed, on that fateful Tuesday, that every barrier we encountered big or small was demolished within minutes and we encountered quite a few that day. We made it up until the very end, where the birth mom was telling us what kind of diapers to buy and the best kind of formula to use. So it wasn’t until Saturday night, while we praying together in the car on our way home from dinner, that I “randomly” stumbled upon what I have to believe is the lesson or truth I learned through all of this. What I have to believe is that HE saved us from something. No doubt about it. Whether He saved us from her changing her mind after we brought him home, or perhaps future health problems, I don’t care. God is our protector, our Father...He doesn’t want us hurting anymore than we want to be hurting, no Father wants that for their children. So, last night I slept soundly knowing that my Father in heaven loves ME, protects ME, and He manifested that truth to me this last week in a very clear way.

Romans 8:38-39 “And I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God's love. Neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons,s neither our fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow—not even the powers of hell can separate us from God's love.39 No power in the sky above or in the earth below—indeed, nothing in all creation will ever be able to separate us from the love of God that is revealed in Christ Jesus our Lord.”


Friday, January 22, 2010

I can't sleep...

It’s 1:04 am on Friday, I have to get up in six hours for work and I just can’t make my brain stop long enough for me to trick myself into sleep.

Truth is, I can’t stop thinking about him. I know I said we were moving on, and we most certainly are however, I didn’t say that I would forget. We were thisclose, just hours away from making this a reality. We held him, and made plans for him. I thought yesterday would be the hard day, you know? Thinking things like, it’s 11:00 am and we’d be taking him home right now. He would be in our car, in our life. I thought when I walked in the door last night from work, that I’d find my house full of visitors who wanted to meet the new little guy. I’d find Tyler manning the fort with this brand new life, waiting for me to come home so we could go to sleep that night as a family of three. I fell in love with the idea that my Tivo’d shows would be piling up because I wouldn’t have time to watch them exactly when I wanted. Well the facts are, my back seat is empty, when I walked in from work last night there were no visitors, I’m all caught up on my shows, and last night and tonight and every night until our dream comes true we went to bed just the two of us...instead of three.

Wednesday, January 20, 2010

You know when people say, "I didn't sign up for this"?...

Well we did. When we started this process we knew that it would be different, time consuming, expensive, and an emotional roller coaster, always the promise and hope of being parents in the end.

So, we move forward. Even though all day today I thought of what would have been. I looked at the clock and imagined what I’d be doing with my almost newborn right now. Even though Tyler had to be the one to return everything we just bought last night at Target because I would have cried the whole time if I did, we’re moving forward.

Psalm 18:1 “I love you, Lord; you are my strength.”

Tuesday, January 19, 2010

She changed her mind...

Today started out like any normal Tuesday. Got up early, did my morning routine, up until about 10 minutes prior to me walking out the door, Tuesday was normal. My cell rang and it was a coworker calling me, which wasn’t entirely odd because sometimes they call me to call in sick or check their schedule because I have a cursed mind like a steel trap. Then she asked me a strange question... “Kari, what does your agency do if you know someone who wants to give their baby up for adoption?” To which I responded... “Uhhhh I actually have no idea, why?” Well turns out her niece had a baby boy yesterday afternoon and she wanted to give him up for adoption! GREAT NEWS! We started the ball rolling with fab social worker, worked out a lot of little kinks, and by 5:00 pm we were on our way to the hospital to meet with the birth mom to see if she had questions for us before she gave her baby away. Fab social worker wouldn’t be here until morning, to have the birth mom fill out a ton of paperwork. We met her, she looked tired and already has two children under the age of three, and most certainly couldn’t be over the age of 23....we held him, there was polite dialogue and then we left.

Two hours later we find ourselves at Target, totally unprepared for being parents in less than 24 hours. We spent an hour in the same five aisles. Which diapers do we get, what kind of wipes, wow formula is expensive, oh my gosh the poor kid doesn’t have any clothes, shoot what are we going to bathe him in. $140 later and we were walking out to the car...did I mention we picked his name out while we were shopping too? Silas James. Then my phone rings, fab social worker, she drops the bomb. “Kari, bad news. She changed her mind. She doesn’t want to go through with it and she wants me to tell you she’s really sorry.” Total silence on my end which resulted in Tyler staring at me making gestures to find out what the world was happening. She wants to make sure I’m ok, do I want to talk about it, do I have any questions...she’s so sorry. I am non emotional with people I don’t know very well or have never cried in front of, and I’m OVERLY emotional with my family and Tyler. She probably thought I was a bitch because I didn’t cry or scream and fall to the ground, I was just overwhelmed and suffering the loss of a love that I had only known of for 12 hours and seen for 25 minutes.

Did I mention he’s gorgeous? Tiny little features, little bit of black hair...soft skin, smelled delicious. He fit in our arms perfectly, like he belonged, like he was made for them, for us only. He’ll go home with his real mom tomorrow, because turns out he was made for her arms instead. Silly me.

Monday, January 18, 2010

When I grow up...

************WARNING THIS IS A LONG ONE****************

The last post was emotionally driven. There are only a few times where I don’t say something, or do something that’s emotionally driven and that’s just the blessing/curse of being a woman I think. I meant every word. Today was my normal day off, well Tyler and I both have Monday’s off, it’s a great recharge the batteries kind of day. We’re both home, we get things done around the house, catch up on some TV shows, grocery shop, blah blah blah. It was the first chance I had to really stop and think more about Haiti and what it means for us, the Zielasko’s. I allowed myself to follow some different thought processes and try to work all of this out in my brain, and I came to several conclusions (thus how the ADHD mind works).

  1. For anyone who doesn’t know me super well, I didn’t finish college. I only went for three semesters and then got married and moved away. Also, the three semesters I was there were a total joke! I skipped class all the time, slept in, hung with my friends, met my future one and only and got married. School has never EVER been my thing. I have subjects that I excel in but I would never refer to myself as an overall good student. I have a hard time learning things in large classroom settings, I hated asking for help when I would get behind in assignments, my attention span was slim to none, and I was a major daydreamer. However, my behavior was great! This one thing of me not finishing school has come back to haunt me in the last couple years. I always wondered, what if I had finished what I started? When we began this whole process of adoption I started to realize that I needed to be a part of something in the work force where I actually make a difference. Help people, change people. It wasn’t until just today that I had a major A HA! moment. I don’t need a college to degree to make a difference. God made me with special skills and passions that don’t require furthering my education, He built them into me already because He knew I’d suck in school. I am, IN NO WAY, knocking anyone who wants to continue their education, I am married to someone who has a Master’s degree so getting a good education will always be something that we instill in our children. SO if God built these things into me that don’t require continuing my education, to get a job, that makes a difference then I had to continue my thoughts on to....
  2. Locating what God built in to me so I can make a difference. I began to think of where I’m at now. Married, two dogs, no kids, and basically a dead end job that I ironically once loved. I have always been drawn to the dysfunctional kids, you know the ones that you secretly are hoping missed the bus to school that day? I have always had a deep concern for the kids who are messed up because their parents are idiots and used drugs when they were pregnant, or have many boyfriends, and no stability. They started their brand new life without a choice. They didn’t choose the disabilities they have because their mom couldn’t lay off the sauce for nine months. They didn’t choose the fact that their Grandma is the one that raises them because their mom and dad can’t get a grip and stop partying. I thought to myself, at the age of 27, why didn’t become a social worker? I could have gone to school for that if I wanted, but then there would be math and history and science first...forget it. But I did discover something, I don’t have to get a degree in order to be a MOM to those children! THIS WAS IT! I finally, at FLIPPIN‘ 27 years old, discovered what God has built ME for! To be a mom to those children who don’t stand a chance, and what’s even better is that I’m married to someone who couldn’t be happier to do the exact same thing. God knew that I’d have a rough go of it in school, He already knew who I’d marry, and He knew that if He instilled in my heart a desire to love the undesirable that eventually at 27, I’d figure it out. I’ve known this about myself for most of my life, but I always just assumed that it was too late to do anything about it, instead it’s just the beginning. How does this translate to where I am now...
  3. No dramatic changes in our adoption process at this point. Only changes in our prayers. We are praying that God will allow us to make contacts with the right people in regards to adopting newly orphaned children in Haiti. We don’t know where to start, or who to talk to or if this will even happen. We are also open to adopting a sibling set. We only know that this something we are definitely pursuing until it’s obvious that it’s no longer what God wants for us. Our hearts are also more open to foster/adopt in the very near future. This means big things for us personally, it means that we may go from zero to two, three, four children all at once, it means I’d have to quit my job completely when that happened, it means that we’d be more financially strapped than we already are, it means that our house and cars are too small, but it mostly means that we’d have to utilize our faith and trust in Christ a heck of a lot more than we do now. We’d have to be FEARLESS. Which ironically enough is the subject of the new series we just started at church yesterday.

Deuteronomy 31:6 “So be strong and courageous! Do not be afraid and do not panic before them. For the Lord your God will personally go ahead of you. He will neither fail you nor abandon you."

Sunday, January 17, 2010

Haiti...

I am, by nature, a non-news watcher. Mostly because it’s depressing and argumentative and saturated with who’s right and who’s wrong so I’d rather not turn my TV on and be annoyed, let alone depressed. Some might call it denial, I myself call it self-preservation. This week what has happened in Haiti has been truly unbelievable. When tragedy strikes there is no prejudice, it doesn’t say to itself “tragedy? I think it best that we hit this area, they can take it, they’d bounce right back and be just fine” it simply does what it does best and completely takes everyone by surprise. I’ve been stalking news websites looking at pictures and really trying to come to grips with what an experience like this brings. I can’t fathom it, not even one ounce. I can’t fathom what it’s like to have a mom or dad and in an instant be wandering the street with no food or water, and no mom and dad. I know there are other people affected by this, I know there are adults who lost children, business owners who lost businesses, a country who lost its capital, but I can’t not think about the children. Today I was touched a little deeper, not by anything in particular but just thoughts. I felt strongly about us trying to help in some way. There is and always will be a huge need for adoptive families. In my opinion the need becomes a little greater when the children are starving, hungry, and homeless but even greater still when the children are starving, hungry, homeless and their city destroyed.

I emailed fab social worker tonight. I told her that if she heard anything, if they were offering these children homes in the US and making some exceptions on requirements. I asked her to consider us if she heard anything at all. I feel helpless, I don’t want to send money, or make a care package, I want to offer these children (yes plural, I’d take 10 if they let me), something better...OUR running water...OUR food...OUR home...OUR BED...OUR family...OUR love.

Wednesday, January 13, 2010

Quiet...

So things have been quiet, and I apologize for not filling your blog appetite more than once a week (if any of you follow my blog that much). It’s just silent. I’ve been working on a photo book for our social worker so she has something she can show prospective birth mothers. With international adoption we were only required to have one picture, and because the birth mom gave her child to an orphanage we didn’t have to sell “us” to her at all. Knowing my luck Jan (fab social worker) would present our file along with a few other families who are obsessed with scrap booking and even have a bumper sticker on their car that sings its praises, and there’s our measly little 4X6! So anywho, it should be good.

SO here we wait. God is good. God also likes to teach this impatient freak lessons about patience and how His timing is perfect in all situations.

Wednesday, January 6, 2010

Give me the faith to believe in these hard times...

So this last week has been quiet. I’m getting back into the swing of things with work and then gearing up for the time consuming task of applying for grants. I knew that it would take some time but MAN did I underestimate how much time. On monday, I spent approximately six hours filling out application after application after application, organized them into piles and placed stickies on the ones that needed additional paperwork (i.e. references, letters from our agency, home study). By the end of this week I should have all but one sent out. Then it’s just wait...wait...wait. In the midst of my Monday of grant applying, we got an email from Jan (fab social worker). I had just a few days earlier wondered when our next referral would happen because it had been almost three weeks since the last one and I wasn’t sure how frequently that would happen. Well Jan informed us that she had an african american birth mom due mid-February! She wasn’t requesting any additional assistance from the adoptive family (us), and she has not abused drugs or alcohol. Her story is sad. She has to give her baby up because her husband completely abandoned her after she became pregnant. I don’t think anyone who hasn’t adopted can understand what that kind of email does to your psyche. I was attached at the subject line of the email...no matter if we didn’t have the money or the timing was off, I still wanted this child to be mine in five short weeks. I only had one, teeny tiny barrier...$8600. That’s it. Oprah probably spends that on purses in a month. So, instead of writing our fab Jan back to tell her thanks but no thanks I avoided it, and waited until lunch time the next day in hopes that Oprah would catch the vibes I was sending her way. By lunch, Oprah and I had not spoken with each other, so I pulled out my computer, opened my email, and denied a future child of mine. I know when the time is right I’ll be super excited to accept but for now, it took me three minutes to type an email, three minutes to not be a mom in five weeks.

Give me motivation

Give me all my heart's desires

Show me something gorgeous

Show me 'til my eyes get tired

Give me all the drums and

Show me how to play them loud

Show me how to move

When I can't feel that you're around

Give me the answer

Give me the way out

Give me the faith

To believe in these hard times

Needtobreathe-These Hard Times

Saturday, January 2, 2010

Brag post...

Since we started this adoption process and started to get real with ourselves about the prospect of being parents within a year, I’ve found myself reflecting on the amazing man that sleeps beside me every night, and how I will get to share him with someone else who will see and experience first hand those great qualities as much as I do, and that someday maybe they’ll write a blog similar to this one about how much they appreciate their dad. I don’t say it enough to him and I most certainly don’t say it enough to other people but my husband is seriously a wicked good partner. I mean he’s freaking adorable for one thing but there are many MANY other qualities that I admire and covet so much in him.

HILARIOUS! We laugh together all the time and he always comes up with the funniest things and ideas. Hands down one of the funniest people I’ve ever met and it’s definitely one of the main reasons why I started to like him in the first place. He just makes me laugh.

COMMITTED. This is one loyal dude, he loves his family, wife, pets, guitars, music. He will stand behind what’s right and not think twice about it. He works hard during the week to make sure Sunday will run smoothly and that it will be run with excellence, he certainly doesn’t settle for second best in anything. He’s committed in his relationship with Christ, he wants to learn more about his faith, learn more about being a good Godly husband, he likes to be challenged to be a better man and takes the hits that keep on comin’. There is not a hint of pride in him, he’s willing to learn and change if that means being a better person.

THOUGHTFUL. There are things that he remembers and then buys for me just out of no where, no reason, just because. I’m used to getting flowers from him at least once a month, sometimes once every couple months. When I’m sick he takes care of me, when I’m a brat he ignores me, when I’m sad he hugs me, when I’m confused he works through things with me, when I’m undeserving he loves me.

FUTURE DAD. He’s going to be a great dad! I know it, I’m betting money on it. He’ll teach them respect and appreciation, instill sports fanaticism in them (girl or boy), protect them.

So after over seven and a half years of marriage, and eight and a half years of actually being together, my love for this guy has grown into a great appreciation for all the good things God created him with. I truly couldn’t imagine my life without him, I would never want to live my life without him. To a truly truly amazing partner, my love TJ.