Monday, December 6, 2010

I held her a little closer tonight...

Today made for interesting thoughts and conversations.
This morning I lazed around avoiding the craziness of getting a six month old ready for 5 hours of travel. Bottles, diapers, change of clothes, her favorite dangling toy thing, pacifiers...you get the picture. When we first brought her home our drive was over three hours and seriously you wouldn't have ever guessed we had an infant in the back seat. HOWEVER, it was almost 10pm when we were heading home so she was cashed out. Today, we were hoping for only a meltdown or two out of sheer boredom and she didn't deliver. She was seriously fantastic both there and back, YIPPEE! The actual visit was pretty much what I imagined it would be. FM was super excited to see her and got right back into the groove of what used to soothe her, only it didn't work. Emery was fussy because she's teething and not eating when we think she's hungry so she was pretty much fussy on and off the entire time which is what I hoped wouldn't happen. Our social worker was there (as well as FM's) and it was great to have her kind of facilitating this unknown territory and be there as a support to us as well. At one point in time I had to convince myself to not cry, it was just so overwhelming to see Emery staring at her first mama. To see FM stare back and just take each other in was something I honestly don't think I'll ever forget. It was weird to see MY girl in the arms of someone who carried her, and it made me think of how unbelievably grateful I am to have this little woman in my life. Our conversations were polite, we discussed milestones and funny things she's doing. I asked FM how her 14th birthday was and marveled at how much she has grown physically in the last two months. I listened to her call sissy by her given name and wondered at what point in these visits will we transition completely to Emery. Will that be an issue? Who is counseling FM on how hard these visits will be for her, especially as Emery gets older? As we said goodbye I continued forward and Tyler remained behind talking to a stalling FM. She observed, out loud, that it's like she doesn't remember her...and I fear it's really because she doesn't.
So tonight, when I dressed my little bug in her warmest fleece jammies, I held her closer. I looked at her longer and breathed in her scent deeper because I simply can't imagine my life without her.

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