Monday, November 15, 2010

First update letter...

I've been avoiding this task for a week now. Actually, over a week. I don't know why, I guess I'm just experiencing the unrest and newness of an open adoption a little differently than I thought I would. I have to write an update letter and send some photos to our social worker so she can forward them on to FM's social worker and I'm just dreading it. Or was dreading it for that matter because about five minutes ago I did it. SO I kept it simple. Included random silly little things that are fantastic about her but not overly fantastic because I don't want her to know how much she's missing out on. Like I said in my last post...I understand the benefits but right now I'm just a protective mama bear who doesn't want to see my child in the arms of her child mother. I'm struggling. I'm dreading. I'm jealous. Jealous because I will never EVER be able to offer Emery what she'll feel she has lost by not spending a lifetime with her FM. I will never be able to fill that void. I'll fill a different one, but not THAT one. I know that by sacrificing some privacy right now (updates and pictures to FM) I'll be able to answer some questions Emery will have later on in life. I'll be able to show her pictures of FM pregnant with her and ultrasound pictures. I'll be able to show her pictures of the the four of us together, on a day where FM made the ultimate sacrifice. Emery's quality of life above hers. FM may be too young to understand the gravity of the entire situation, she may not be feeling the loss as deeply right now as she will when she's older and maybe gets married, and has another child. But her decision to allow Emery a better life because she wanted a better life for herself is something I will always be thankful for but at the same time never quite understand.

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