Sunday, November 28, 2010

Denial is a risky game...

Often times when we are updated during our finalization process we learn new details of the bio parents situations. For instance, we only know the Bio Dad's age. We don't know his specific ethnicity (FM is from Haiti) but him...we don't know if he's just your average American born African American. We don't know his name, or his story. He was served papers a couple times before we adopted Emery and never responded, until the final time he was served. Which was about a month ago...when he denied completely that he was even her father. I know he's young. I know that he probably doesn't have wise counsel from the adults in his life, and that he thinks just denying the whole thing might make it easier but it doesn't make it true. I really have found myself feeling a deep sense of loss for Emery. I experience her fabulousness every single day and I think to myself...you're going to deny this???? That smile, that face, that laugh, that entire living being...just wish it away??? Sometimes I think closed adoption is a cop out. It allows you (the parents) to be completely unknowing of the gory details behind your child's story. Which then, in turn, means you don't have to answer any of those difficult questions because you simply do not have the answers. Then other times I think it's genius because you yourself are spared the hurt of knowing certain things about the situation. Sometimes the details we learn are hurtful and a little scarring. They make me defensive. Like if I encountered the birth dad on the street I would want to throw down and make him admit that he knows she's his. Just admit that you couldn't handle it. That you made a mistake...COP TO IT you little punk! At least FM had the unbelievable strength to carry a baby full term, go through child birth, try it on her own at the ripe old age of 13 before she realized she just couldn't handle it. There is nothing, I repeat, NOTHING in my opinion that will ever make me question WHY they couldn't handle it, but to deny it totally is just plain crappy. So, in the mean time the question in my head remains...what will I tell my sweet bug when she starts asking about her bio dad? Obviously not what I truly feel otherwise she might turn me in to the authorities. There are details that won't be shared until she's much older, but I'll tell you one thing. She'll know how brave her FM was. That's for sure. That woman...ahem...girl is a saint in my book. Yes she made a very poor decision but don't we all? Part of what makes someone fabulous is admitting it, and figuring out how to fix it. Until then, I'll savor her innocence. These next few years when her world is just as it should be, how it should have always been. The three musketeers.

1 comment:

  1. Well said. We are just venturing down the road of: "whose tummy was I in?" Or tonight's "what's adoption?" I continue to pray for the right answers...knowing these questions will only get harder.

    We just had a conversation with some good friends who are waiting to adopt from China and they asked us how we deal with Abbott's birthmom. My friend said she couldn't do it. I told her that before Carter I knew (or thought I knew) that I couldn't either. But after experiencing how wonderful she is I feel sad for her BM never knowing Carter. She's missing out on SO much! So how lucky for Jessy. She gets to know Abbott and watch him grow. And have peace that she made the right decision for her & him.

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