Saturday, October 9, 2010

This connection game is for the birds...

In my opinion adoption has one very alarming down side...connecting with a child that isn't your flesh and blood. You know, nothing major. I think I psyched myself up for this too much when we brought Emery home. I kept thinking...why aren't I totally 100% head over heels for this little being? Shouldn't I be? Don't get me wrong she is completely and utterly fantastic. Her smile melts me into a blubbering puddle and when she stares at me I feel like once we get to know each other it's going to be astronomical. For now though, it's an ebb and flow. Some days I'm on like donkey kong, we are a well oiled machine...I pick up on her non verbal cues, soothe her and we go to bed fulfilled and happy at this little connection dance we've done. Other days she revolts, she screams, she won't soothe for me, she defies my need for connecting with her and I feel like we have to get to know each other all over again. My nerves and anxiety creep up on me like a pesky neighbor and I'm back to square one with my little brown baby. I wonder if sometimes she knows...that I'm not her bio mama. I wonder if she misses her voice. I wonder if in those times of revolt she's trying one last time to change her situation in hopes that when she wakes up it's not my eyes she's staring into but her first mama's. Ahhhh the dance...the pesky connection dance. It's this mama's nemesis, but one day I know we'll lick it. She'll say my name, run to me with open arms for comfort and safety...she'll wake up one morning and stare into my eyes with hers and think..."there you are...I've been waiting for you mama".

1 comment:

  1. kari,
    everything you are going through is normal for all moms. we all have the insecurities, no matter the circumstance that brings us our babies.
    we couldn't bond with ezra in the "normal" ways a new parent bonds with their new baby. we had nurses, doctors, wires, monitors, etc in our way. i couldn't hold my son for almost a week after he was born! however, the bonding still happened. when God has joined a family, nothing can stand in the way!
    i know you aren't her "bio-mama", but she loves you just as much, even when she is screaming! just keep holding her and loving her the way you are and bonding will come!