I saw a picture of you today. You have beautiful, big brown eyes and curly hair and even though your daddy is african american and your mama white, you still have creamy white skin. You were sitting in the tub with your sister and brother, smiling, splashing in the water. I'm sure I would have this exact same picture of you if you were mine...sans the brother and sister of course. Maybe it would have been a picture of your almost papa making your hair into a sudsy mohawk, or me swaddling your squishy clean little body into a towel. It would have most certainly preceded a book reading, rocking chair cuddling, hair smelling, kissing you over and over again bedtime routine. I would have told you I loved you more now than I did yesterday, and that I was proud to be your mama. I guess I can still be proud that I was your almost mama. That you'll never ever know for the rest of your life someone out there thinks about you in the same way your own mother does. That every year on your birthday I'll say a little prayer wishing you safety and a life full of love. I miss you my almost son...and even though seeing your face today brought back some memories I don't prefer to have, it gave me a glimpse into your life now, your life without me...splashing in a tub.