Wednesday, February 17, 2010

Meltdown = Reaization...

So, last week I purchased a sweet crib off of Craig’s List! It’s so cute, and one that I have been eyeing on Target.com for the last couple months, I was so excited. Fast forward to today, the crib is still sitting in our living room waiting for us to clear out a spot for it. It’s a constant reminder for me that there isn’t a baby to put in it but also that there will soon be a baby to put in it. I’ve been kicking around the idea of just taking it apart, truthfully as a self preservation move on my part. Crib is up and empty, I obsess about how it’s empty. Then I think, take the crib apart this process will never end, and it’s almost like if I take it apart I’m conceding to that. Poor Tyler asks me the simple question, “So do you want to take it apart?...I start sobbing...like a total freak. I can’t even explain to him how much I want to, but don’t want to take that stupid crib apart. You see, you must know something about me. I’m as impatient as they come. It’s hands down my WORST personality trait, and something that I fight on a daily basis. I truly believe deep down in my heart that’s one of the reasons why God chose adoption for us...not to spite me but just to teach me. Teach me to trust Him, His plan, His timing. These grants are out of my hands. There’s nothing I can do right now to make them process faster, nothing I can do to make them be in our favor. He is teaching me that He holds our baby in His hands...our finances and fundraising efforts are all His plans for us, and yes of course I want this to happen now, tomorrow, last month with the little man. I can’t stop thinking about the possibility of this little girl being ours...but I get so anxious that it really may not happen and that I’ll have to tell Jan no. Fab social worker said in our last email that she’d be willing to wait a few weeks for us, but after that she can‘t risk not finding a forever family for the new little girl by waiting too long for us.

Truth is, I’ve waited 27 years to be a mom, what’s a few more months?

Jeremiah 29:11-13 “For I know the plans I have for you," says the Lord . "They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope. 12 In those days when you pray, I will listen.13 If you look for me wholeheartedly, you will find me.”

No comments:

Post a Comment