Monday, January 18, 2010

When I grow up...

************WARNING THIS IS A LONG ONE****************

The last post was emotionally driven. There are only a few times where I don’t say something, or do something that’s emotionally driven and that’s just the blessing/curse of being a woman I think. I meant every word. Today was my normal day off, well Tyler and I both have Monday’s off, it’s a great recharge the batteries kind of day. We’re both home, we get things done around the house, catch up on some TV shows, grocery shop, blah blah blah. It was the first chance I had to really stop and think more about Haiti and what it means for us, the Zielasko’s. I allowed myself to follow some different thought processes and try to work all of this out in my brain, and I came to several conclusions (thus how the ADHD mind works).

  1. For anyone who doesn’t know me super well, I didn’t finish college. I only went for three semesters and then got married and moved away. Also, the three semesters I was there were a total joke! I skipped class all the time, slept in, hung with my friends, met my future one and only and got married. School has never EVER been my thing. I have subjects that I excel in but I would never refer to myself as an overall good student. I have a hard time learning things in large classroom settings, I hated asking for help when I would get behind in assignments, my attention span was slim to none, and I was a major daydreamer. However, my behavior was great! This one thing of me not finishing school has come back to haunt me in the last couple years. I always wondered, what if I had finished what I started? When we began this whole process of adoption I started to realize that I needed to be a part of something in the work force where I actually make a difference. Help people, change people. It wasn’t until just today that I had a major A HA! moment. I don’t need a college to degree to make a difference. God made me with special skills and passions that don’t require furthering my education, He built them into me already because He knew I’d suck in school. I am, IN NO WAY, knocking anyone who wants to continue their education, I am married to someone who has a Master’s degree so getting a good education will always be something that we instill in our children. SO if God built these things into me that don’t require continuing my education, to get a job, that makes a difference then I had to continue my thoughts on to....
  2. Locating what God built in to me so I can make a difference. I began to think of where I’m at now. Married, two dogs, no kids, and basically a dead end job that I ironically once loved. I have always been drawn to the dysfunctional kids, you know the ones that you secretly are hoping missed the bus to school that day? I have always had a deep concern for the kids who are messed up because their parents are idiots and used drugs when they were pregnant, or have many boyfriends, and no stability. They started their brand new life without a choice. They didn’t choose the disabilities they have because their mom couldn’t lay off the sauce for nine months. They didn’t choose the fact that their Grandma is the one that raises them because their mom and dad can’t get a grip and stop partying. I thought to myself, at the age of 27, why didn’t become a social worker? I could have gone to school for that if I wanted, but then there would be math and history and science first...forget it. But I did discover something, I don’t have to get a degree in order to be a MOM to those children! THIS WAS IT! I finally, at FLIPPIN‘ 27 years old, discovered what God has built ME for! To be a mom to those children who don’t stand a chance, and what’s even better is that I’m married to someone who couldn’t be happier to do the exact same thing. God knew that I’d have a rough go of it in school, He already knew who I’d marry, and He knew that if He instilled in my heart a desire to love the undesirable that eventually at 27, I’d figure it out. I’ve known this about myself for most of my life, but I always just assumed that it was too late to do anything about it, instead it’s just the beginning. How does this translate to where I am now...
  3. No dramatic changes in our adoption process at this point. Only changes in our prayers. We are praying that God will allow us to make contacts with the right people in regards to adopting newly orphaned children in Haiti. We don’t know where to start, or who to talk to or if this will even happen. We are also open to adopting a sibling set. We only know that this something we are definitely pursuing until it’s obvious that it’s no longer what God wants for us. Our hearts are also more open to foster/adopt in the very near future. This means big things for us personally, it means that we may go from zero to two, three, four children all at once, it means I’d have to quit my job completely when that happened, it means that we’d be more financially strapped than we already are, it means that our house and cars are too small, but it mostly means that we’d have to utilize our faith and trust in Christ a heck of a lot more than we do now. We’d have to be FEARLESS. Which ironically enough is the subject of the new series we just started at church yesterday.

Deuteronomy 31:6 “So be strong and courageous! Do not be afraid and do not panic before them. For the Lord your God will personally go ahead of you. He will neither fail you nor abandon you."

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