Wednesday, January 6, 2010

Give me the faith to believe in these hard times...

So this last week has been quiet. I’m getting back into the swing of things with work and then gearing up for the time consuming task of applying for grants. I knew that it would take some time but MAN did I underestimate how much time. On monday, I spent approximately six hours filling out application after application after application, organized them into piles and placed stickies on the ones that needed additional paperwork (i.e. references, letters from our agency, home study). By the end of this week I should have all but one sent out. Then it’s just wait...wait...wait. In the midst of my Monday of grant applying, we got an email from Jan (fab social worker). I had just a few days earlier wondered when our next referral would happen because it had been almost three weeks since the last one and I wasn’t sure how frequently that would happen. Well Jan informed us that she had an african american birth mom due mid-February! She wasn’t requesting any additional assistance from the adoptive family (us), and she has not abused drugs or alcohol. Her story is sad. She has to give her baby up because her husband completely abandoned her after she became pregnant. I don’t think anyone who hasn’t adopted can understand what that kind of email does to your psyche. I was attached at the subject line of the email...no matter if we didn’t have the money or the timing was off, I still wanted this child to be mine in five short weeks. I only had one, teeny tiny barrier...$8600. That’s it. Oprah probably spends that on purses in a month. So, instead of writing our fab Jan back to tell her thanks but no thanks I avoided it, and waited until lunch time the next day in hopes that Oprah would catch the vibes I was sending her way. By lunch, Oprah and I had not spoken with each other, so I pulled out my computer, opened my email, and denied a future child of mine. I know when the time is right I’ll be super excited to accept but for now, it took me three minutes to type an email, three minutes to not be a mom in five weeks.

Give me motivation

Give me all my heart's desires

Show me something gorgeous

Show me 'til my eyes get tired

Give me all the drums and

Show me how to play them loud

Show me how to move

When I can't feel that you're around

Give me the answer

Give me the way out

Give me the faith

To believe in these hard times

Needtobreathe-These Hard Times

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