It took us a few weeks to nail down an agency, which was strange to me I thought it would have been really easy. We really had our heart set on Asia, for some weird reason we always thought that would be where we adopted from first. As we continued looking on each adoption agency web site we discovered that Asia has some very strict requirements regarding age, and also the wait is excruciatingly long. Korea is pretty much stopping any adoptions except to Korean families here in the US, and Hong Kong is strictly special needs, so needless to say we’ve hit quite a few bumps in the road already. One night after we had an agency rep tell us that maybe we needed to expand our acceptance of special needs children, I had a MAJOR meltdown, PMS perhaps but also coming to this harsh realization. Turns out the 3 countries we chose (Hong Kong, South Korea, and Taiwan) only have children available with special needs and I just don’t know if we’re ready for that or even if we’ll ever want that. Which seems completely selfish when I say it out loud, I mean these kids don’t have anyone, and they’re there and available because they look funny or have some sort of down syndrome or even CP. They didn’t have a choice to be born like that? It’s just the hand they were dealt which sucks and here I am turning them away because of something they can’t help. When I think about it too long I think, maybe it wouldn’t be so bad, and then I think am I allowed to be choosy in this situation? We both have our minds really set on Asia and it seems like right now those are the hardest countries to adopt from. When I think about it, most of the time I start crying. How bad would it suck to not have anyone, to have the only people in your life get paid to spend time with you? I would die if my picture was up on a website and someone took one look at me or read my description and said no, what does that feel like? Some of these kids are older too, outgrowing the orphanage the only place they call home. It’s hard…a lot harder then I really ever thought it would be. I’m nervous, excited, apprehensive, emotional, scared, overwhelmed, and happy all at the same time. I always kinda felt like I was cut out for something like this but now I’m starting to second guess it a little, I know I’m tough but this will be a true test. The parallels between adoption and Christ’s love for us are undeniably identical and really humbling because the truth is I’m worse off then most of those kids when it comes to Christ loving me for me.
We’ve officially gone with Holt International, filled out the application online on Friday (9/11), and now are waiting to hear from them. We have a long way to go but we’re confident this is where God wants us to be and will welcome any personal refining along the way.